OF AN INDEPENDENT INVESTIGATION INTO
THE ILLEGAL USE OF ANGELS AND OTHER
PERFORMANCE ENHANCING HEAVENLY BODIES
BY PLAYERS IN MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL
(from page 22)
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The most egregious offender of this highly controversial and well-hidden performance enhancement is, ironically, the 1994 California Angels, playing in Anaheim. Under the management of George Knox, noted Danny Glover-impersonator, the team used several angels (beings serving the Almighty God) to manipulate and bend the rules and plays of several games in their favor. One particularly outlandish example involved the foul post seemingly moving on its own accord so that an intended foul ball turned into a home run.
Sports fans and analysts spent weeks marvelling at the supposed "luck" of that particular moment and several others (such as sliding far past the bounds of what modern physics would allow), but none realized that the team's sudden and abrupt winning streak may have been the result of illegal tampering via the Angels involvement with several unlicensed, secretive "angels." Investigators viewing the tapes now can see that these, and most likely hundreds of other unknown plays, were the products of illegal angel-involvement. Angel-use this season became rampant and unchecked for nearly a decade, giving the Anaheim team an insane and hitherto unthought of unfair advantage during this season of Major League Baseball.
More damning evidence exists. Prior to the sudden influx of angel-usage amongst the club, the Angels' record was a meager 10-52, which was followed by an unprecedented 100 game winning streak. Several large feathers were found throughout the field by janitorial staff members. The subtle glow of a halo would often be seen over a player's head as he was at bat, followed by mighty home runs by players who had barely managed a successful bunt weeks prior. Also, Christopher Lloyd's voice was heard often by crowd members, despite the fact that he had lost corporeal form years prior.
It is the recommendation of this report to strip them of their World Series trophy and send several priests to the site of each known angel-abused area for spiritual cleansing. Priests and other approved religious figures/ghost-hunters should be used for random testing of bats, balls, gloves, and other contaminable areas of play.
(from page 47-48)
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The first known case of using an illegal heavenly body to sway the game in favor of certain players or teams was in 1939, by a player known as Roy Hobbs who played for the now-defunct New York Knights. Hobbs reportedly struck out renowned hitter Walter "The Whammer" Whambold in three pitches at the age of 16. He was shot soon after by a crazed woman in a hotel, and disappeared from baseball for nearly two decades.
Upon his return, something was clearly awry about the once-promising man. According to eye witness reports and interviews, Hobbs was a walk-on for the team that year, and in his first batting practice hit every single one of the 40 pitches to him out of the park. Then, upon his first at-bat in the major league, he literally hit the ball with such force that it peeled the skin off of the ball. His batting average for the remainder of the season was a highly-suspiscious (yet nonetheless impressive) 8.68. It should be noted that the first half of the season, Hobbs batted a seemingly-impossible 1.00, only later faltering due to unknown personal circumstances.
While it was the belief of this report initially that Roy Hobbs inconceivable talent was the result of illegal steroids, further investigation showed a far more sinister form of tampering: a bat given to him by the Almighty, albeit indirectly. The bat - commonly referred to as "Wonderbat" - was the only bat Hobbs used, up until his final at bat, that is. The usage of "Wonderbat" was often accompanied by lightning or flashes of light, indicating some sort of spiritual interference.
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(from page 89)
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While outside the bounds of Major League Baseball's authority, there exists a place in Iowa that could be extremely useful in helping to identify the sources and uses of angels and other illegal heavenly bodies in our modern age. The farm owned by Ray Kinsella has a large baseball field built inexplicably into Mr. Kinsella's cornfield. The tourist attraction - which began drawing increasingly large numbers of spectators in 1989 - was apparently built solely by Kinsella after hearing "a voice."
Fans and spectators have reported seeing the spectres of deceased baseball players - including the infamous "Shoeless" Joe Jackson and relative unknowns such as Archibald "Moonlight" Graham - playing baseball in their former uniforms. Many of these spectators reported to have no idea why they went to the location nor how they knew where exactly to go, but all went and paid what they could. They would arrive at your door as innocent as children, longing for the past. The Kinsellas seemingly did not mind if they looked around. They were reportedly charged $20 per person, which they would pass over without even thinking about it: for it is money they had and peace they lacked. They would walk out to the bleachers; sit in shirtsleeves on a perfect afternoon. They would find they had reserved seats somewhere along one of the baselines, where they sat when they were children and cheered their heroes. And they watched the game and it was as if they dipped themselves in magic waters. The memories were purportedly so thick that they "had to brush them away from their faces."
This strange and odd behavior must be studied if we hope to curb the growing presence of illegal angels and other such heavenly bodies in Major League Baseball. That is all.
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