Prison Break - Season 3 Preview

Ahoy there, Prison Breakers! I know you're all anxiously awaiting the return of PB in one week, so we here at This Site have gotten the inside scoop on all of the prison breaking-related shockers, plot twists, thrill rides, tattoo-inducing goodness! Our super secret insider (Prison Break's Wentworth Miller) has supplied us with episode descriptions for the first half of the season! Thanks, secret inside scooper!

Ep 3.01 - "Running in Circles" - Michael and Mahone find themselves prisoners in Sona Prison in Panama. Michael gives himself a new tattoo detailing the architecture of the prison, but does so on his forehead, forcing him to ally himself with Mahone so he can read it, until Michael can find a mirror at least.

Ep 3.02 - "Poke 'Er? I Hardly Know 'Er!" - Lincoln, desperate to help his brother, gets totally trashed at a bar and plows into a parked car, getting cited for DUI and reckless driving, which lands him in Sona. Meanwhile, Michael gives himself a Darth Vader tattoo on his left butt cheek.

Ep 3.03 - "El Diablo del Prison de Tatoo" - T-Bag wins the Sona Friday Bingo Night and is granted one wish by the prison warden. Bellick gets raped repeatedly by a 13-year old boy who was mistakenly sent to Sona. Michael and Lincoln play "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon," which Michael cheats at by using his tattoos.

Ep 3.04 - "Contingency Plan" - Bellick, sick of Panamanian cuisine and getting raped, approaches Michael about a possible escape. Michael is reluctant, until Lincoln gets diarrhea and backs up the toilet in their cell. Mahone becomes the Sona Staring Contest champion.

Ep 3.05 - "Tit For Tat" - Michael tattoos "LOVE" and "YOU" onto his eyelids in case he ever meets Harrison Ford. Lincoln and T-Bag team up to make some fake mustaches that will be essential to breaking out of prison. Mahone is dethroned by a new Staring Contest hotshot.

Ep 3.06 - "Checkmate" - Lincoln and T-Bag start sewing some barbershop quartet outfits that will be essential to breaking out of prison. Bellick makes some wine in his toilet. Michael digs a really big hole in the center of the prison yard, which his tattoos tell him is directly above an oil well.

Ep 3.07 - "Black Gold" - Lincoln becomes frustrated at Michael's reluctance to prioritize breaking out of prison over searching for oil. T-Bag goes to great lengths to acquire the sheet music to "Coney Island Babe." Michael continues to dig his oil well. Bellick cries for an hour.

Ep 3.08 - "Texas Tea" - Lincoln's hunt for mustache wax puts him at odds with a dangerous fellow inmate. Bellick is angered when he discovers Mahone has been using his toilet and hence ruining numerous batches of wine. Michael discovers that he is illiterate.

Ep 3.09 - "Rock the Boat" - Michael's hole leads him to an unexpected destination: China. Lincoln and T-Bag argue over who is going to sing lead for "Coney Island Babe." A new inmate has seen The Shawshank Redemption, making him an invaluable new asset to the escape plan. Mahone re-discovers his passion for rare stamp collecting. Guest starring Terrence Stamp.

Ep 3.10 - "Bad New Warden" - The new warden of Sona deals with the overcrowding problem by putting Michael, Lincoln, T-Bag, Bellick, and Mahone on death row. Michael gets a new tattoo on his neck reading "The new warden sucks!" but it secretly contains a great brownie recipe. T-Bag lives up to his name.

Ep 3.11 -"Criteria" - Lincoln is forced to sacrifice Michael to a notorious prison rapist in exchange for some tea and honey when he loses his voice, fearful T-Bag would use the opportunity to take the lead part. Bellick gets a terrible rash, jeopardizing his ability to join the escape plan. Mahone runs out of mousse.

Ep 3.12 - "High Hopes" - The group prepares to enact their escape plan. Mahone is unexpectedly elected Vice President of the Stamp Collecting Club. Lincoln nicks himself while shaving. Michael gets a tattoo of a gun on his hand, hoping he can use it to trick the guards into letting them leave the prison. T-Bag gets stage fright and cannot perform with the barbershop quartet for the talent show the next day.

Ep 3.13 - "Exit Strategy" - Michael gets an invitation to his 10 year high school reunion, but regretfully declines. An old friend visits Lincoln, who has contracted amnesia and cannot remember who anyone is. Bellick's rash worsens. The group tries to construct a catapult based on one of Michael's tattoos, but the finished product seems awfully dangerous and silly.

Inside the Mind of Brett Ratner: The First Day of Shooting Rush Hour 3

I can't believe that executive prick from the studio today. "Why do you think we should make another Rush Hour?" Um, does over $60 mil opening weekend mean anything to you? Shit, that's what I should have said! I could've capped it off with a "BOOYAH!" and high-fived my assistant, Jonathon. Maybe added a "Suck on that!" or something. My actual answer wasn't too bad, really. I mean, there were a lot of unanswered questions left at the end of Rush Hour 2. Like, what would happen if Carter and...shit, what's the asian dude's name? Chong? It's something Japanese-y like that. What if Carter and Chong went to Paris? What kind of crazy, martial arts-fueled, fish-out-of-water cultural hijinks haven't we explored yet?

Oh man! Hold the phones! We should totally reveal that Carter's first name is Jimmy! Have we mentioned what his first name is in the other ones yet? Man, a couple of Jimmy Carter jokes would kill. Especially since Chong wouldn't know who Jimmy Carter is. I can picture it now. "I'm Agent Jimmy Carter, you frog!" "Res! Jrimmy Crarter!"

Chris Tucker is this generation's Abbott and Costello. Only combined. And way funnier. And black.

OH! And we could have a new sexy, French femme fatale ask "Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?" only all in French-talk! Have to use subtitles, though. I should really talk to the guy who's writing the script about these ideas...actually, I should probably hire someone to write a script first. Right now all I got is a piece of paper that says "The black guy and the asian guy go somewhere else, maybe France so we can make a bunch of French jokes. French jokes rock. Or the moon, maybe. They could discover a criminal syndicate run by aliens."

Hmmm...maybe I could work in a Charlie Sheen cameo. Hey, a guy can dream, right?

Man, that guy who plays Chong is getting old. I wonder if he can still do all of those karate chops he usually does. I can never really understand what he's saying either. Maybe I could replace him with Jet Li...would anyone really notice? I like the name Jet, that should be Chong's first name. NO. WAIT! We'll name him Cheech! Holy shit...that is fucking brilliant. Oh man, the comic potential of this movie just shot up a thousand percent. I wonder if Chris Tucker is comfortable with making weed jokes...

Maybe we could replace him with Eddie Murphy. Or Eddie Murphy in a fat suit. America loves fat jokes. And he could complain about how the only food in France is snails! Wait...French fries are french too. Crap. Scratch that idea.

Shit, I hope that set designer can make Vancouver look like Paris. I should remind her that there should be berets and French fries all over the streets. Authenticity! Everyone should also say "Le" instead of "The" too. We should probably have that big tower-thing in there too. The Leaning Tower of Paris? That's where the big finale could take place! Or maybe a French McDonald's...that'd get us some nice product placement money. Oh! And we could have a gag where Jimmy Carter asks for French fries and the counter guy says "Here we just call them 'fries.'" and Carter yells "French fries and a Big Mac, you frog!" and the guy says "You mean fries and le Big Mac!" and then Chong could karate chop the guy and ask him "Do you understand the words that are coming out of my FIST?!"

Man, this is all gold! I should probably save a few of these nuggets for Rush Hour 4, where they go somewhere else. Oh! I got it! Vancouver! That would be super cheap and we could make a bunch of Canada jokes. Canada jokes rock.

I'm awesome.

Gadgets of Tomorrow 1954 Presents: The iPhone

Hello, freedom-loving commie-smashers! How's capitalism treating you today, friend? Are you buying lots of healthy, American, T-zone pleasing Marlboro-brand cigarettes? Are you buying gallons upon gallons of Jack Daniels' Whiskey to drink whilst your formly Catholic housewife rears the children, bakes pies, and expels more children from her children-expelling lower regions? Are you beating your insolent children with swell BizPro-brand leather belts whilst the tunes of Perry Como drown out their screams and pleas for mercy? Ha ha! We here at Future Advancements and Gizmos Industries sure hope so! We wouldn't want to have to put in a telegram to a certain Senator McCarthy, now would we?

Previously, we here at FAGI have told you of many of the wonders which lie in the near future of 1975 and onward: flying cars, cities in the clouds, whole meals in pill form, robots galore, cities on the moon, and a horrifying dystopic future wherein the government controls all aspects of life through forced conformity and drugs! Today we bring you a new chapter in certain future gadgetry, with (by at the latest the year 1983)...the iPhone!

Now, what is an "iPhone," you ask? Not something you could find in Soviet Russia, that's for sure (as American Capitalist scientists have proven will be reduced to anarchy, cannibalism, and a society composed of mutants and squid-people by 1967)! Rather, the iPhone is a device which Future Man will use to "communicate" with other Future Men (possibly also Future Women, however their right to vote will be repealed in the year 1960 by then-president/America's sweetheart Richard M. Nixon and many other rights will be scaled back, including the right to free speech) without the use of wires! How is such madness and quackery possible, you ask? Simple! But we won't just tell you! Oh no no no! Here's a riddle for you: How do you communicate with another Future Man who is miles away using only your iPhone and absolutely no wires? Did you answer "through a complex system of computers and satellites and radio-transmitting towers?" If you did, then you are WRONG! The real answer is much simpler and much more logical than that. The answer is...

ROBOT SINGING TELEGRAMS!

Your iPhone is actually the remote controller of your very own personal iRobot. You can type in a message into this "iRobot" (of up to 45 characters) and the mechanical beast will trek across the globe to find the person you wish to communicate with in a maximum of three weeks time! Responses are not possible, as only you have the ability to control your iRobot. Don't forget to keep it full of energy, as when the iRobot gets low on energy, it goes on a murderous rampage! It gains energy by feeding on the brains of young children. With the iRobot at your disposal, you can have lengthy, one-sided conversations with friends from across the world in the matter of only a few years*!

But is Robo-Telegramming the only method of communication offered by the iPhone? Ha! "Hardly" is the answer to that question! Also, "pretty much." But there is another option! What if you wish to send a message to your friend Byron, who is currently vacationing in Indo-China looking for a suitable concubine, but he is in an important business meeting which he cannot afford to have interrupted by a murderous singing cyborg? Simple! Simply type a message into your iPhone and sooner than you can imagine, Byron will have received your message via...

SMOKE SIGNALS!



Yes, smoke signals. Our red-skinned brethren taught us many things as we jovially slaughtered him and raped his women and his land, but we've forgotten most of them. The iPhone understands that we must sometime look to the past to see the future.

But the iPhone will have many uses beyond "communication." Some of the superfluous features will include:

Meal pill dispenser

Vote For Richard M. Nixon Button

Ability to play educational films: "Crushing Communism with Condoms and Christianity!", "Asbestos: Fun to Breathe In!", "Cigarettes Save Lives!", and "Marilyn Monroe Is Going To Hell For Showing Her Undergarments."

Cigarette Lighter

Archie Comic Strips

Pompadour

3-D Glasses

Can't wait to get your iPhone! Sorry, lads and gals, this baby won't be available for another few years, as our scientists are hard at work beating the Ruskies in putting a blinking metallic doodad in Earth's orbit first to establish dominance and global hubris. Until next time, remember: FIGHT COMMUNISM! BUY iPHONES!




* - more likely, decades

Trouble Report Inquiry From G.U.S.S.S.S.B. (Government of the United States Secretive Smithsonian Storage Building)

Name: Watkins, Rick

Date: 10/31/03

Basic Description: Found crate with the Ark of the Covenant in it. Everyone in the warehouse is now dead via "wrath of God."

Further Details: I just started here like a week ago, so I'm not sure if this is unusual or anything. I know Earl has been toying around with this shrink-ray he found like three months ago, and that seemed pretty bizarre at the time, but this goes WAY beyond that. I was sent to retrieve the original plans for the cotton gin for some Smithsonian event, but I accidentally opened this crate that had this weird chest in it. There were, like, these two golden eagles with their wings touching on top of it and it was real heavy. I had the night shift manager, David, help me unload the damn thing, which wasn't even in the official registry. After we did some research on Google, we figured it was the Ark of the Covenant, or like the thing that holds the remains of the Ten Commandments that Moses smashed after he got all pissed about something. I peeked in the thing and saw what looked like a storm cloud or something inside of it, so I put the top back on and said I was going on my lunch break. When I came back 45 minutes later, David's face was all melted off and everyone in the warehouse had giant gaping holds through their chests. And that damn Ark of the Covenant was still just sittin' there, looking all proper and ominous. So I decided to put it back in the crate and write out this trouble report. Could you also send in someone to clean up the dead bodies? They're all over.

Hey look! This article is on McSweeney's!

Profiles in Badassery

Let's face the facts: history is boring. But...why is it boring? There are many possibilities. Is it because history class does not have as many fist fights and torn-out throats as Roadhouse? Is it because history class never shows you Marie Curie's sweet rack? Maybe it's because history repeats itself! (that was a joke so you should be laughing for the next three minutes, okay?)

The truth is that history is boring because when you are taught history, all of the awesome parts are left out or glossed over in favor of the "important stuff," i.e. stuff that is too awesome for our adolescent, MTV-soaked, Tamagotchi-loving brains to comprehend. So we get stuck learning about cotton gins, Eli Whitney, and more cotton gins. But what happened to all of the awesome moments and people in history? Do they even exist?

Oh yes, they certainly do. And they're even sweeter than you could imagine. Today we'll profile one of history's most awesome historical figures: Aaron Burr.

Aaron Burr

Aaron Burr is described by the renowned, oft-bibliographied in research papers by desperate high schoolers (i.e. me) website Wikipedia as a "hero and adventurer." Not a shabby beginning. Anyone who can turn "doing brave things" and "having adventures" into a fruitful career deserves a little recognition. But this makes him look like a boring goody-two-pantaloons, eh? Well, let's cut right to the sweet innards then.

Burr was running for Governor of New York when noted nancy-boy and spoiled dandy Alexander Hamilton began writing defamatory remarks about the hero/adventurer, which cost everyone's favorite wily hero/adventurer the election. But the suspected communist Hamilton went beyond the limits of good taste at a dinner party when he rallied the incomprehensible gall to utter from his soulless gullet that he could express a "still more despicable opinion" of Burr. This outrageously slanderous and malicious comment eventually made its way to the universally-beloved hero/adventurer Burr, who demanded an apology from the reviled muckraker Hamilton. When Hamilton refused, claiming he could not remember making the comment (most likely due to his loss of sanity due to his particularly vile case of chlamydia which he received from raping young children to appease his lord and master, Satan), Burr took the gentleman's route and challenged the poofter Hamilton to a duel.

The duel was to take place on July 11, 1804, along the west bank of the Hudson River on a rocky ledge in Weehawken, New Jersey, where Hamilton's equally villainous and squeamish son Philip had been killed three years earlier in a duel (possibly by his twistedly deviant father). Hamilton, being the one who was challenged (not to mention the sissier of the two), was given first choice of weapon and position for his ultimate doom.

At dawn, the duel began. Hamilton, having the bravery of a panicked 8 year-old girl, shot at the ground. This act was considered by some to "exemplify courage" and could "bring a peaceful resolution to a duel," but history clearly shows us that it was merely an attempt by the scurrilous Hamilton to escape his due punishment for his continued slander against a noted American hero. Burr, not one to be deceived by such thinly-veiled trickery, fired and hit the scoundrel in his lower abdomen above the right hip. The bullet ricocheted about Hamilton's ever-cursed torso, effectively destroying his bileful liver and diabolical diaphragm.

Burr immediately left the scene. According to his second, William P. Van Ness, he ate eggs and toast for his victory breakfast in Manhattan. Well-earned eggs and toast, in this writer's humble opinion.

Also, Burr was behind a conspiracy to steal away a bunch of land west of the Appalachians and start his own massive nation with himself as a self-imposed King or Emporer, with the eventual goal of overthrowing the United States government. Plus, he got acquitted of treason charges when he was caught later. Not too shabby, eh?