Have you seen the motion picture, The Net, starring Ms. Net herself, Sandra Bullock? The internet is a lot like that movie. Have you ever seen Virtuosity, starring Mr. Net himself, Denzel Washington? It's not a whole lot like that...yet. But give it a few years and blond Russell Crowes will be coming out of the internet and ruining our lives before you can say "MY INTERNET IS ON FIRE OH GOD HELP MY BABY IS IN THERE!"
Now that you have some vague conception of what an "internet" is, let's move on to the basics...or should I say Linucs? That's a joke for all of my fellow internetting experts out there who know what Linucs is and why it is way better than Windows '95. Anyways, the basics...
STEP ONE TO USING YOUR INTERNET: FIND AN INTERNET
This will probably be the most difficult task you will face in getting "hacked on" to the interworldwebnet that comprises the Virtual Net of an internet. Internets are wily creatures that live where you least suspect them and breed constantly because they have seen more pornography than you could possibly imagine even with a special pornographic computer that was designed and produced solely with the sole goal of creating a constant stream of pornography and delivering it straight to your brain through your cerebellum. If you can locate an internet, you must jump on it and pound its teeth in (what we experts call "keys on a keyboard") until it allows you to see its secrets on its large brain-screen. I found my first internet in my parents' basement, so you might want to check there first. Except you'll have to get permission from my parents because they are very protective of that internet, whom they have named "Dell."
WARNING! DO NOT TRY TO FEED THE INTERNET BY POURING SOUP ALL OVER IT! THE INTERNET WILL START ON FIRE AND THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET EVERY SECOND SO YOU WOULD KILL THOUSANDS AND BE WANTED FOR MURDER.
STEP NUMBER SECOND FOR SEEING THINGS AND OTHER ACTIVITIES ON THE INTERNET THAT YOU'VE CAUGHT AND TAMED TO OBEY YOUR EVERY COMMAND: USING THE INTERNET
Congratulations! You have caught an internet! It will now know you as "master" and obey your every command...on the assumption that you know how to properly command it to do things that you want it to do but it won't do and so you call your mom and ask her how to find Pokemon cheats on the internet and she doesn't know what a Pokemon is so she asks and then you tell her and she gets really upset and calls you a "nancy queer" and puts one of your dads dirty magazines in your bed for some reason. So, to properly command an internet, you must utilize its teethboard (called the "keyboard" in exper-terms*) that has the alphabet all mixed up on it (trust me, I tried to use it to memorize the order of the alphabet for 1st grade and Mrs. Poncioni did not say very good things about my performance and held me back and I told her she smelled like poop but it turned out that I smelled like poop because I pooped myself because I was nervous because of the spelling test and BOY was I ever embarassed!) and the funny-looking tail it has next to its teethboard. You must master both of these incomprehensible tools if you wish to find the lyrics to the newest Weird Al Yankovic songs and have them all for yourself!
Firstly, let's learn how to potentially use the teethboard. Don't worry, the internet doesn't bite! However, your mom might if you type in "Weird Al" on the internet face-screen and a bunch of pictures of naked dudes appear and your mom sees it before you can make the internet stop showing those things and your mom was bringing the laundry downstairs and she sees it and drops everything and screams and bites you. If you punch any of the letter teeth, those very same letters will show up on the web-o-screen-o-matic! Fantastic! What about all of those other confusing numbers, you ask? Only numbers 1-9 and 0 are on this thing? What if you need to type a number like 10? Or even 11? Those numbers aren't on it! Well, don't worry, web-slinger, you can just cry until your mom types in complex numbers, such as "Amish Paradise lyrics for my 13 year old brother" or "11 different Avatar screensavers." It's called outsourcing, and companies that makes tons of bucks do it all the time!
Fourthly, you must - MUST - control the internet creature's unwieldy tail - known in both internet and outternet circles as a "mouth." Be careful, because if you grab it wrong, you may accidentally swing it wrong and it will break the inter-face-screen and your dad will get real mad when he gets home and wants to work on taxes or see naked ladies and can't because you killed the internet and that means no breakfast for a month! So put your hand on it gently and when you move it, an inter-pointer that lives on the internet will move around and scare your cat. Here comes the complicated part: you have to press down on the mouth at juuuuust the right time in order to find the interinternet - the internet's soul that allows you access to a world of new backgrounds and funny emails about Arab people and Democrats.
STEP-BY-STEP WAS MY FAVORITE SHOW UNTIL CODY LEFT AND WAS REPLACED BY THAT FRENCH GUY WHO WASN'T FUNNY AND DID HAIR STUFF: LET'S FIND STUFF NOW THAT WE HAVE CONQUERED OUR DISOBEDIENT INTERNET
Now you must be excited. I mean, reeeeeeeal excited! You are an L3T HAx0R INT3RN3TTA now! You have access to millions upon tens of hilarious smilies, poop jokes, and quizzes about celebrities that can win you iPods! But where do you start? It's a biiiiiig world out there, and you don't want to just run in willy-nilly and be all confused-like.
Start with the basics. You have somehow made the internet show you AOL 4.0 - the best kind of internetting in the world. Wait for your computer to make a lot of funny phone call noises and then BAM! It's time to start netting the web.
Let's calm down! There's much that needs to be done and seen with your very own eyes. Grab yourself some Mountain Dew Code Red and get on that line known as the onlineternet! If you can click and mash the keys juuuuust right, you could find any of the following, and possibly even more:
- Pictures of Naruto
- Videos of pets pooping
- Videos of people pooping on their pets
- Napoleon Dynamite quotes
- Chuck Norris Facts
- Cats that say things and use internet-talk (commonly known as "webberonomics")
What are you waiting for? Grab that net and get hunted by a vast conspiracy that wants to wipe away all of your information and kill you!
STEP-BY-STEP...DAY-BY-DAY....FINAL STEP: BEING DONE WITH THIS STUPID INTERNET AND ITS STUPID FACE
Ugh. This internet is boring and confusing! The more I smash the teethboardifier, the more often weird windows pop up and the screen goes all blue! Booooring... But what to do now? Throw bricks at the screen? Pee all over it? Sing it a lullaby until it begins to slumber?
No! Just find your way into a fellow kid-oriented chat-room and let your dad type things to people who might want to be your friend and come over until that man from the TV comes and makes dad sit in a chair and answer questions and even get to be on TV! Yay DAD!
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE INTERNETTED THE ONLINESPHEREWEB!
Other fun things to do with your internet:
- Water it daily so it grows big and strong. Put some of that Chia Pet green stuff on it so it blends into nature and has a sweet camouflage so others won't know where the internet is hiding.
- Rearrange the teeth-letters on its keyboard so its easier to remember the order of the alphabet without your teacher freaking out about how dumb and lice-ridden you are.
- Touch your weiner while you sit in front of it and go to the bathroom like I've seen dad do a bunch of times. I guess seeing those Weird Al lyrics that the internet is chock full of must really make him have to go!
- Learn how to correctly use intertalk phrases: LOL (lollipop), BRB (aunt Barb), ROFL (like, what Scooby-Doo would say if he wanted a waffle), GTG (gee, that's great!), and ASL (a sealion???). Example: BRB made me some LOLs and ROFLs for breakfast, and ASL responded by saying GTG!
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