Bitter Eggnog: Letters to Santa '07

Dear Santa,

I have been a very good boy all year long and I want a new bike for Christmas, please. Thank you!

Sincerely,
Jimmy

Dear Jimmy,

Fuuuuck you, kid. Very good boy all year? You think I'm blind, kid? You think I don't know all and see all? Jesus Christ, lying to Santa in the letter where you purport to be good? And having the gall to ask for PRESENTS? Are you the same Jimmy who gave his sister a wet willy at least twice a week this year? Are you the same Jimmy who broke a window and blamed it on the neighbor's retarded son? Wow, kid, you have some fuckin' balls writing to me. No new bike this year. Maybe if you're lucky I'll give you a brand new SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE.

Yours,
Santa

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope you and the elves are doing good, and are hard at work preparing for next Christmas, which is rapidly approaching. I know you don't have much free time, so I'll cut to the chase! I've been pretty good this year, not perfect, but pretty good. I would like a 1963 red Jaguar and for my step-dad to die in a horrible accident.

Thanks!
William

Dear shithead,

This is Santa Claus. Fuck you, buddy. Asking how I am? How do you think I am?! Doc says I gotta undergo a triple bypass in a month, assuming I survive through Christmas, which is about 50/50. And you have the fucking nerves to ask me for an antique car? Ohhhhhhh sure, I'll go get the elves to carve one OUT OF FUCKING WOOD. Hope you don't mind that when it rains the frame warps completely and a team of beavers might jack it to finish their fucking dam. And how is Mrs. Claus? None of your goddamn business. And according to her lawyers, none of mine either. And murder your stepdad? Jesus...what the hell is wrong with kids these days? Fuck you. I need a drink.

-Santa


Dear Santa,

I love you! My name is Betty. I have been good all year! I don't want any toys or nothing for Christmas. I just want my cousin Artie to not be sick. He has lookemia. The doctor says he is not doing good = (. Please make him better!

Love,
Betty

Dear Betty,

Oh man...I'm sorry. I'm worthless. WORTHLESS. I'm a joke, a hack. I can't do shit for you, Betty. Oh god...I've lost it all. Mrs. Claus won't talk to me, the elves won't listen to me, the reindeer mutter about me under their breath... I'm pathetic. I can't wait to die.

Oh, and while I admire your selflessness...SINCE WHEN AM I FUCKING GOD?! I know I ride on a real fast sleigh 'n shit, but how does that give me the power to cure cancer?! Way to make me feel even shittier about myself and my shitty life. I so do not need this right now. Holy shit, I'm done. I quit.

Oh yeah, and one more thing.

I AM NOT REAL. NEITHER IS THE EASTER BUNNY.

HO HO HO,
Me


Dear Santa,

I've been good all year and I totally want this new video game called Madden for my PS3. My parents won't buy it for me cuz I got two F's this year. Screw them, Santa'll get it for me. That's what I told 'em. You're awesome, bro.

High five,
Drew

Dear (YOUR NAME HERE)

Sorry for the inconvenience, I'm currently out of the office at the North Pole right now! I'm probably checking my list twice or making sure the elves are hard at work and not drinking too much eggnog on their lunch break...just kidding! I hope you've been a good little boy/girl this year! If you have been, I'll be dropping by with a (REQUESTED TOY) to put under your tree! Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!

-S.C.