Cheers and Jeers: 3/30

Happy e-Ster!

Happy Peeps Day, internetians! Today many people celebrate some guy coming back from the dead for a day and then dying again. We celebrate this by eating chocolate, egg-shaped novelty candies, and ham, in hopes that the ham will come back to life in our stomaches and remind us of how Jesus did the same thing, except no one ate Jesus. Actually, nothing we do has anything to do with Jesus. Some people eat a cake that looks like a lamb sometimes, but that's as close as it comes.

But in these modern times of worldwide webs and gas that costs more than Fabrege egg yolk, most people like to isolate themselves in dark rooms with bare walls, with a soft glow of the computer screen attracting them like moths to a bug zapper. Simply put: we don't have the time nor resources to travel around and visit our family on this holiest of days. We have computer screens to stare at, videos of girls eating poop to watch, and blogs about celebrities to read. So what is the modern internetite to do on Easter? Welcome to the wonderful world of e-Ster.






E-Mail Animated "Egg" gifs to Your Children In the Morning - But Under Mysterious File Names!


No! Your children's annual easter egg hunt need not be over just because you won't physically be hiding eggs throughout the house! Just set up an e-mail account that vaguely looks like it could have been registered by the Easter Bunny (i.e. Peeps4Life@hotmail.com, easter.rabbit2981@gmail.com, egghider9@yahoo.com, long.ears4u@rabbitfetish.net). Then send them some e-eggs as an attachment, but also send them about 10 random files for every e-egg sent! Remember to name all of the files, regardless of content, "HIDING PLACE(insert number here).gif." They will have to sift through hundreds of files to find the e-eggs hidden in your e-mail, and instead of candy being inside, there will be hilarious animations of rabbits or Jesus within.

Put Up Moderately Personalized AIM "e-Ster" Away Messages!

Log on to AOL Instant Messenger in the morning and put up an away message that reads:


"%n, Happy e-Ster! May you be blessed and enjoy virtual ham. I am thinking of you RIGHT NOW and hoping you are having a good day. I am playing a computer game that takes up the whole screen. I will return later."



Rabbit Screen-Saver!

Over the Limit. Under Siege.

POLICE REPORT - CAR 54 - OFFICER DAN JOHNSON

11:04 P.M. - Pulled over a Blue Chevy Nova that was driving erratically. Suspected the driver was intoxicated. As I approached the car, noticed that it was filled to the driver's chin with a dark red liquid. Very odd. The driver was barely keeping his head above the liquid. He rolled down the window, causing some of the liquid to pour out of the car. It was very clearly a red wine filling the car. Merlot, said the driver, who was, in fact, intoxicated. This was simply the most blatant and egregious drunk driving I had ever seen. Breathalyzer showed he had a .45 blood-alcohol level. It was incredible that he was still alive, conscious, and able to drive the car. Arrested the driver for reckless endangerment and DUI.


11:42 P.M. - Pulled over a light red Buick Century with a busted turn signal. Something strange - this car was filled with a clear liquid to the driver's eye level. I hoped it was water, as if that would make any more sense than what I feared it would be. I tapped on the window, and the driver calmly rolled down the window, causing a large amount of vodka (along with about 50 olives) to flow out of the car and onto the road. The stench was overpowering. I couldn't believe he had brought olives with the car-full of vodka. That had to be expensive - a car filled with vodka, that is. The driver, soaked head-to-toe in hard alcohol, looked at me and with a totally straight face - I swear to God - asks "What seems to be the problem, officer?" Seriously. I asked him if he had been drinking at all that evening, to which he replied "No, sir. Just driving home." He honestly said that, while he was still sitting in a pool of gallons upon gallons of vodka - with olives floating around him!


He passed the Breathalyzer test with a .00. He hadn't had a drop. I was going to try to give him a ticket for driving with an open container of alcohol, but - as he noted - none of it was in a container. Still, it seemed like there had to be something illegal about this. I let him off with a warning and told him to drive safely.


12:21 A.M. - Pulled over a white Ford truck that had made an illegal U-turn. As I approached the car - little to my surprise - I saw that it was filled up to the driver's neck with beer. At this point, I had to assume something was going on. Maybe one of the boys down at the station was trying to pull the craziest prank ever on me or something. I asked the driver to roll down his window, which he did. His wallet and registration were floating at the top of the pool of beer in his car, and flowed onto the street. I picked them up, examined them, and asked the driver what the hell was going on. He gave me a puzzled look and asked "Whatever do you mean, officer?" I know drunk driving has been a growing problem lately, but this is just ridiculous. I was going to have him get out of the car to test his balance, but my last pair of pants were already soaked in alcohol, which was going to be hard as hell to explain to the sarge once I got back to the station, and I didn't want to ruin this fresh pair I had just put on (if the guy got out of the car, the beer was going to get on me no matter whaat). I ended up chucking his license into a ditch and telling him to get the hell away from me. This city's going to hell, I tell ya.

PLUMBING: My Anti-Drug

Oh man...

Lou...LOU! I am totally freaking out, bro. Totally tripping some major balls here. No better way to spend a Saturday night than doin' some 'shrooms with your bro, right? OH MAN. Are you freakin' out too, bro? 'Cuz I am totally FREAKING out.

Like, I am huge. Are you huge? I feel like I just grew three feet. Yeah man, I was a fuckin' midget before, but I'm huge now. Ain't no one can stop a bitch this big, right bro? Ha! Bro, that outfit you're wearing...it's fuckin' CRAZY! It's, like, almost the same as mine, but totally different. These 'shrooms are freakin' me out in a major way. OH! Let's go to the zoo. I got me a crazy idea.

Here we go, man. Seriously, just trust. TRUST. Hahaha! I am FREAKING OUT. Do I look huge? I feel, like, at least double my normal size. Okay, now that we're at the zoo. Know what we should do? Let's jump on turtles. BAM! Ha! Did you fuckin' see that shit, bro? That turtle just went inside its shell. IT TOTALLY DID! I fuckin' knew it. I am tripping balls and jumping on turtles. This is CRAZY.

Holy shit bro, do you see what I see? There's a bunch of little coins leading towards that drain over there... think there's more inside the drain? Only one way to find out. We gotta go into that pipe.

Hell yeah, bro! What's the big deal? OH MAN BRO. Know what? We look totally alike. We're like...opposites. Hahaha, I am freakin' out like never before ever, broseph! C'mon, we're hoppin' in this pipe.

WHOOOA! That was fuckin' crazy. I'm higher than a flying raccoon...what? What's a flying raccoon? I have NO IDEA! THAT'S JUST HOW HIGH I AM! Hahaha! Holy shit man, I'm goin' fuckin' crazy! Them 'shrooms get the biz done, know that? Hell yeah you do, bro. This pipe is gross, by the way. There's slime 'n shit all over. Like, literal shit. Oh man...know what? Those coins were fuckin' pennies, bro. Totally not worth it. Can you climb back up? No? Fuck it, let's just go through some more of this pipe.

Dude, chill. CHILL, BRO. I got a plan, we ain't gonna die in here, bro. You're just trippin' mad balls. Just let me take care of this. Know how I got all huge when I took those 'shrooms? Right? I am huge, right? No, bro, I am totally not imagining that I grew three feet. TRUST. Here's my plan: I'm gonna bash my head against the ceiling, and the bricks will break apart instantly and we can just totally climb out of here. Here goes...

OUCH! Shiiit. Okay. That did not work. I will be the first to admit it. Got any more 'shrooms on ya, bro? No? Fuck man, I'm startin' to come down. My head hurts like SHIT. Why the fuck did I jump on a turtle again?

Hmph. Lou? Lou? Oh fuck, bro, stop crying. Dude, chill the hell out! We're not gonna die in here, bro. I'll just call my girl and tell her to get us some help or some shit.

C'mon...pick up...Hello? Baby! Who's my princess? Who's my peachy princess? You are! Okay, babe. Here's what - yeeeah, of course I remembered. Today. Our anniversary. Riiight... totally remembered. I was actually just about to surprise you when - hold on, babe. Just chill, princess. Me and Lou accidentally got stuck in some pipe at the zoo after we did some 'shrooms. We need you to -

Shit! The bitch hung up on me! And now my cell's dead. Awesome. Totally awesome. Just what we needed right now.

Well, we'll just chill here 'til morning. Then someone's bound to come by and find us. What? Okay, bro, I'm sorry I got us into this situation. I apologize. There. Happy?

Seriously, stop being such a little whiny baby, Luigi. We're bros, we stick together. I tell you what...I'll take you on a duck hunt tomorrow. Okay, fine! We'll go go-karting. Lame-ass. That make you feel better? Right. Sure you don't got any more 'shrooms on ya?

The Aliens That Invaded Just To Annoy Some Drunk Farmer: A Shockingly True Story

"Freddie, whatchu doin' out thar at this hour?"

Fred Massachusetts placed his jug of moonshine on the floor of the porch as gently as anyone could who had just had four gulps of moonshine.

"I done toldja to call me Fred, not Freddie."

Joanna Massachusetts stared daggers into her husband.


"You ain't gonna try 'n shoot at the cows ag'in, are ya?"

"No'm," replied Fred, his head wobbling like it was just barely floating above his neck.

"Ya best not. Ye spooked the hell outta the hens last time 'n they wouldn't shut up fer hours."

Fred stared at his wife, who looked very blurry to him all of a sudden, as she stood in the doorway with her curlers in her hair and her ratty, old light blue nightgown keeping her covered up. Eventaully, Fred began to process what Joanna had said, and burped, "Mmhmm..."

Joanna sighed and threw her hands in the air as she traipsed back to the bedroom.

"Yer a drunken louse, Freddie!" she cried from further inside the house.

"Don't call me Freddie, woman," mumbled Fred to himself.

The moonshine was beginning to hit Fred something awful. He knew he had swigged enough for the night, and he sat solitary on his rocking chair that night. The porch overlooked the barn to his right and the cornfield to his left. Above him was a clear summer night's sky, full of blurry starlight, and below him was a crusty wooden porch, which was spinning more than it usually did.

He would not be heading for the bedroom for at least another hour. Fred's shotgun was beneath his chair, and he suspected he might need it that night. Just a feeling he had. He had heard rumors last he went into town about cattle rustlers who would come in the night and screw 'round with the cows. Then the milk would be sour and Fred wouldn't be able to afford any more decorative lawn jockeys that month. Fred certainly wasn't ready to let that happen.

"Come 'n git it, teen-agers," mumbled Fred to the night. "I ain't a-skeer'd of ye."

Suddenly, the night sky lit up with a bright light shooting across it. Fred practically fell out of his chair; he was so astounded by the sudden and inexplicable light in his once clear sky, he called out to his wife.

"Martha, I just seen somethin'!" Fred yelled towards the doorway.

"You ain't seen nothin', ya drunken, worthless, homely shit-fer-brains!" yelled back Joanna from the bedroom.

Fred turned back to the sky, but saw nothing now. What the hell was that? Some kind of meteor, he figured. Teenagers weren't clever enough to create some sort of light beam device to scare his cows, he was sure of it. Maybe firecrackers, but not whatever the hell that was.

One more swig of moonshine wouldn't hurt, figured Fred. He grabbed the jug and took another gulp. To steady his nerves, he told himself. It burned all the way down his throat, but it calmed him a great deal. But when he opened his eyes again, he saw something even stranger than the light.

It was a little ball, hovering in the sky. It seemed to be a white light, but it was clearly not a star. It couldn't have been more than a hundred feet or so from the ground. Fred's mouth dropped when he saw this.

"Teen-agers ain't gon' git away with thissun," Fred told himself, still incredulous.

Suddenly, the light disappeared. Fred shook his head and rubbed his eyes. Must've been the moonshine, he told himself. Just moonshine, nothing else. He began to rock on his chair, nervously at first, but more calmly the more time passed without further event.

Then, without warning, Fred saw a blue light emanating from his cornfield. It was faint at first, but then it grew in strength as it seemed to come closer and closer. It was coming towards him. With his hand trembling and his head wobbling, he reached for his shotgun. He pointed it towards the light, waiting for its source to reveal itself.

"Gurddamn, glowin' teen-agers..." Fred put his finger on the trigger and readied himself. "Ain't no one but me scurrin' them cows tuh-night."

The light stopped right before emerging from the dense field. Fred bit his lip in anticipation. Were those teenagers using some kind of new, modern lantern? It couldn't have been a car, because there was virtually no noise coming from the source of the light, save for a low hum.

Then a little man came out of the cornfield. But it wasn't a teenager. No. It was an...

"Alien!" screamed Fred, who began shooting wildly towards the little glowing man.

Even with the shotgun blasts coming in its vicinity, the little, glowing man stood perfectly still. It was two feet tall, had a round little body, stubby legs, grotesquely long arms, a large triangular head, and two tiny black eyes spaced widely apart. It also had a strange smile.

"MARTHA! ALIENS! ALIENS!" yelled Fred into the house.

But Joanna didn't say anything. And when Fred turned back towards the little man, he was gone.

Fred haphazardly reloaded his shotgun, his hands shaking violently. His head darted back and forth, looking for the glowing man who had come out of his cornfield. He jumped to his feet and look around the yard, when all of a sudden he heard the cows start to moo.

"Damn! Teen-ager aliens, tryin' to a-skeer mah cattle!" shouted Fred as he stumbled towards the barn.

When he opened the barn door, he saw the same little glowing man, ramming itself into his prize cow, Tess, repeatedly. It didn't seem to be doing any damage to the cow, but had certainly upset it.

"Ye best be leavin' Tess alone, ye teen-aged alien!" yelled Fred at the little man, who stopped dead in its tracks when it heard Fred's voice.

The little man put its arms in the air and began running in circles, emitting a high-pitched buzzing noise.

"Nah stop that, alien!" yelled Fred, who shot at it several times with his shotgun.

But the bullets did not seem to affect the little man at all, and when Fred turned downward to reload, disappeared.

"Gurdamn disappearin' alien visitors," said Fred to himself.

Assuming the incident was over, Fred shut the barn door and decided to head back to bed. He saw no sign of the little glowing man outside, so put his shotgun back in the closet and headed into the bedroom. He slipped off his trousers and slid into the bed, relieved that the night was over and he would be able to rest. He feared the headache he would wake up with due to the moonshine, but it was an inevitability he knew would come the second he began drinking it.

"Surry fer the ruckus, Martha," mumbled Fred as he leaned in to kiss his wife good night. "Just summa thum dee-ranged alien teen-agers, tryin' to rustle up Tess."

Joanna was covered by the comforter, and when Fred took it off to give his wife a kiss, a bright glow began emanating from their bed. Joanna was no longer there! In her place was the little glowing man, who had her hair curlers and her light blue nightgown on. It turned to Fred and yelled, in a high-pitched squeal:

"FREHH-DEE!"

Fred burped and wiped his mouth of the bit of drool that had formed near his bottom lip. He then kissed the little glowing man and rolled back to his side of the bed.

"I done toldja not to call me Freddie," he said as he fell asleep.