Elephant-Man: Partner In Heroism and Bravery To Exploding-Man, Defender of Mankind and Other Lesser Creatures

Dear Mankind,


I have heard your cries for help from a masked heroic figure who will brave the darkest alleys, clean up the filthiest dens of sin, and file the most thorough complaints about pot holes to the transportation commissioner. While the world has already been blessed/scorched by the presence of Exploding-Man, the defender of the common and uncommon man alike, the world could use another hero. A hero that picks up where Exploding-Man leaves off. A hero who can help you file your tax return. A hero who drinks his milk every day. A hero like...Elephant-Man.


But while I love defending all of mankind and serving them in the most proficient ways possible, I find that I am often mistaken for a genetically-deformed Englishman of centuries past. I will not fault my publicist nor the press for dubbing me "The Elephant-Man," as I am a half-man, half-elephant hybrid. You all know the famous tale of my origin, wherein my mother was impregnated by a rabid and mutated elephant that had escaped from a mad scientist's laboratory. I was born with the power to use my prehensile trunk as though it were an extra limb, tusks to ensnare my enemies, and a herbovoric nature which leads me to spend 16 hours a day gathering plants to feed myself with. I have always used these many great powers to serve my brothers and fend off harmful types by bellowing or spraying them with water I hold within my trunk. So the name "Elephant-Man" makes sense, given these circumstances.


However, it is very difficult to respond to fan mail when over 75% of my mail consists of letters from medical doctors and researchers, scientists, and Michael Jackson asking to observe me, test me in their experiments, and buy my bones upon my death. I am not deformed in the way you believe me to be deformed, Mankind! I have seen pictures of how you believe me to look, and let me assure you that I would never wear a bag upon my head. That "Elephant-Man" looks nothing like an elephant nor a man! He looks more like "Lumpy-Bag-Man" than "Elephant-Man." Actually, I am insulted he considers himself worthy of the "-Man" title at all, as I can find no evidence of heroics on his part at all! No evidence of defending bystanders from out-of-control automobiles nor elderly ladyfolk from scurrilous vandals nor innocent taxpayers from unjust auditors! I am the true "Elephant-Man!"


Please remember this when you light the "Elephant-Signal" on dark nights, Mankind. When I get there, you had better have some manner of commissioner with you and not a doctor looking to carve apart my insides.


Sincerely,



Elephant-Man

Exploding-Man Should Be Known As Dangerous-One-Whom-All-Should-Curse-The-Name-Of-Repeatedly-Man

Dear Exploding-Man,

We, all of Mankind, have read your open letter, describing your "heroic" struggle to protect and defend that which you have so mercilessly and explodingly destroyed. How dare you claim to do nearly as much good for Mankind as, say, Financial-Advice-Man or Mankind-Protector-Man! The population of the planet Earth has sunken from upwards of 6 billion to a diminuitive fifty-seven since your inception. 95% of the land on Earth is uninhabitable due to radiation. If these walls could talk, they would demand the instantaneous destruction of he who is known to the world as Exploding-Man.

Unfortunately, all walls have been obliterated by Exploding-Man.

We, Mankind, will never accept you, Exploding-Man (if that is your real name!). You have brought more catastrophe and death to this planet than the Holocaust, World Wars 1 & 2, the Black Plague, and the upcoming expansion of our dying Sun combined. You are not a hero. You, dear sir, are a zero.

Take this notice as a plea to leave us alone and/or torture yourself gratuitously and then finish the act by beheading yourself in a most gruesome manner. This is all we ask of you.

Sincerely,

Mankind

How My Incredible Gift Became My Equally Incredible Curse

Dear Mankind,

From the moment I gained my incredible and strange power, I vowed to use it for the betterment of all mankind (you) and to make the world a safer and more palatable place. At no point have I ever wished - nay, even considered! - using my fantastic and unearthly power for selfish or hurtful purposes. I knew that it was God or some higher force that had granted me my wonderful and superfluous power, and hence was my destiny to do His (or Her, I'm progressive) will to bring peace and joy and merriment throughout the land, and possibly to sing traditional folksongs afterwards. Never did I imagine my magical and sometimes beige gift would become...a curse.

Perhaps I should clarify for those few of you who are unaware. I am Exploding-Man. By day I walk amongst you as a normal, schlubbish civilian; but by night...I become the masked vigilante who fights for Goodness, Graciousness, and Puppies (nice puppies, not Dobermans or Pitbulls). Perhaps you own one of my t-shirts. Perhaps your children watch my serialized cartoon program every Saturday morning at 10/9 Central. I protect the world from evil and death and destruction in all of its forms.

For those of you who are not familiar with my backstory, I will offer you this: I was a brilliant scientist-type individual with a lab coat and glasses who mixed multi-colored chemicals and such, until one day when I created some sort of time travel device which sent me to Hiroshima the day of the dropping of the atomic bomb. The radioactive blast imbued me with the power to create largescale nuclear explosions at will, but only those with blasts of 30 megatons or more. I began to discover my powers, and soon took to patrolling the city from thugs and rapists and thieves and other criminal-types who were frightened only by the force of a nuclear explosion. My first experience began in my hometown of Seattle, when I saw a mugger trying to mug an elderly woman. I ran to her aid and used my great and wonderful power to stop him in the act. As I crawled out of the burning wreckage of what was once the city of Seattle (and its nearby suburbs), I knew that only I had the capability to stop the lowest forms of scum from across the world. The crime rate in Seattle took a sharp turn downward; as did the criminal population in the city. Ha! My first victory.

I moved on to Los Angeles, where I saw two men trying to burgle a house whilst its occupants slept blissfully. I used my incredible power and the two men were unable to burgle anyone that night. Criminal activity fell in Los Angeles to ZERO overnight. From there, I travelled across the country, using my whimsical and horrific gift to wipe out crime whereever it existed, and leaving an uninhabitable, radiation-soaked, ever-burning trail of justice behind me.

Not that everyone fully appreciated my heroism. One newspaper in England declared me "The Greatest Scourge Ever Known On Earth." That was before I travelled to London to show them what I was capable of, and there is nary a criminal alive in all of Great Britain. In fact, I also effectively eliminated the existance of rats in the country as an added bonus. I have yet to receive any criticism from them since. What they failed to grasp was that, in addition to killing all criminals in a 40-mile radius, I was also killing all potential victims of crime. This benefitted society twofold: the potential victims never had to worry about becoming the victim of a horrible or unsavory crime, and the temptation was taken away from the doers of said crimes! Removing temptation is an important part of rehabilitation. How could criminals ever leave their crime-doing ways if the temptation persisted? I did a great service.

But now when I am seen on the streets, people run and scream in fear. Others run, but don't scream really. And yet some others scream and merely fall to their knees as they weep for salvation. I have become a freak! People cannot accept me into their cultures because my Great Power sets me apart from them. Are they bigots? No, not at all. They just don't understand. I pity them, yet at the same time I yearn to be accepted. How many cities must I level to rubble before you accept me, Mankind?! 100?! 200?! 300?!

What was given to me that fateful day was a gift, yet it has become a curse. I am not selfish, however, and will continue using my gift to protect all humanity from those that would sully it.

Godspeed,
Exploding-Man