This is a big summer for those not living in abject poverty who also enjoy watching expensive things explode, as many motion pictures with large budgets are being released upon the unsuspecting public, like plagues of locusts upon the oppressive Egyptians of old. Of these, there has been one that has been shrouded in mystery since its production began nearly two weeks ago. That, of course, is the major big-screen adaptation of Ted Turner's Captain Planet.
We at This Site have the insider's exclusive scoop on the production, the plot, and most importantly, who will don the legendary Teal Mullet of Environmentalism.
First off, who will be playing the Ethnically Diverse Planeteers? Eddie Murphy, in a record five roles with five different ethnicities! Murphy will be playing Kwame, Wheeler, Ma-Ti, Linka, and Gi, using the makeup effects seen in such hits as Toy Story and Disney's Aladdin!
That's all and good, the Planeteers are in good hand(s), but what of the titular character? What of Captain Planet? Despite lingering rumors, Al Gore will not be stepping into the mullet, as he was let go from the production for opposing financing the film by staging a yearlong whaling trek throughout the oceans. Instead, when your powers combine, you will summon...
EDDIE MURPHY!
That's right! Oscar Nominee Pluto Nash himself will be saving the environment with the help of his five Planeteers Eddie Murphy(Norbit), Eddie Murphy(The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps), Eddie Murphy(Shrek 2), Eddie Murphy(I-Spy) and introducing Eddie Murphy.
Our inside scoop tells us that the plot will revolve around Looten Plunder, evil billionaire/pollution-advocate, polluting. Probably toxic waste or something. Will the Planeteers and Captain Planet be able to stop him in time?
***SPOILER ALERT!***
Yes.
***END SPOILER ALERT!***
The film, directed by Eddie Murphy (in a fat suit), is due for release this August. Stay tuned for more updates.
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