33rd Bi-Annual Morton County Painted Easter Egg Hunt Extravaganza Spectacle Celebration

Welcome to the 33rd Bi-Annual Morton County Painted Easter Egg Hunt Extravaganza Spectacle Celebration!

As you know, we here at the Morton County Festive Activities Board Committee are dedicated to bringing you, the Morton County resident, the finest egg hunt in the known universe, and this particular event will be no exception, unlike the past 32, which were all memorable exceptions. Firstly, the "painted eggs" in question are no longer eggs taken from the ovaries of young women in the community or rare bald eagle eggs that are mere hours away from hatching. We have discovered that fish eggs come in far greater supply and are more cheaply purchased, meaning more eggs for your children/dependents to hunt for! We could have stopped there, but quality is the name of the game to us here at the M.C.F.A.B.C.

Secondly, no longer must the children/dependents hunt the eggs using the most sophisticated and advanced weaponry the Ukranian military has to offer, as the number of fatalities at the last egg hunt far exceeded their usual numbers. Now the hunting will be done with the eyes, meaning far less deaths in Grimm Field, which shall be the location once again of the egg hunt (do not worry, grieving parents, most of your children's corpses from the last egg hunt have been burned in a glorious bonfire honoring their commitment to egg hunts). We admit we were foolish to arm the children in the first place, but you parents should have supplied them with the appropriate body armor. Not that anyone's pointing fingers here.

And lastly, we have eliminated the Execution Squad's involvement with the egg hunt this time around. As many of you know, previous egg hunts have been bookended with the the brutal executions of the children who collected the least number of eggs throughout the grueling five-day egg hunt period. After a steady number of complaints from angry parents throughout the years, we have decided that we will instead end the egg hunt with prizes for those who collect the greatest number, such as vaccines for influenza, as opposed to punishing the children who fail our expectations.

We hope that these improvements will benefit the joy you and your children/dependents derive from the bi-annual celebration. If not, cyanide pills are available at the Cyanide Pill Booth.

Sincerely,


The Morton County Festive Activities Board Committee

"Jesus died for our sins, so the least we can do is dye (eggs) for him!"