Previously, we here at FAGI have told you of many of the wonders which lie in the near future of 1975 and onward: flying cars, cities in the clouds, whole meals in pill form, robots galore, cities on the moon, and a horrifying dystopic future wherein the government controls all aspects of life through forced conformity and drugs! Today we bring you a new chapter in certain future gadgetry, with (by at the latest the year 1983)...the iPhone!
Now, what is an "iPhone," you ask? Not something you could find in Soviet Russia, that's for sure (as American Capitalist scientists have proven will be reduced to anarchy, cannibalism, and a society composed of mutants and squid-people by 1967)! Rather, the iPhone is a device which Future Man will use to "communicate" with other Future Men (possibly also Future Women, however their right to vote will be repealed in the year 1960 by then-president/America's sweetheart Richard M. Nixon and many other rights will be scaled back, including the right to free speech) without the use of wires! How is such madness and quackery possible, you ask? Simple! But we won't just tell you! Oh no no no! Here's a riddle for you: How do you communicate with another Future Man who is miles away using only your iPhone and absolutely no wires? Did you answer "through a complex system of computers and satellites and radio-transmitting towers?" If you did, then you are WRONG! The real answer is much simpler and much more logical than that. The answer is...
ROBOT SINGING TELEGRAMS!
Your iPhone is actually the remote controller of your very own personal iRobot. You can type in a message into this "iRobot" (of up to 45 characters) and the mechanical beast will trek across the globe to find the person you wish to communicate with in a maximum of three weeks time! Responses are not possible, as only you have the ability to control your iRobot. Don't forget to keep it full of energy, as when the iRobot gets low on energy, it goes on a murderous rampage! It gains energy by feeding on the brains of young children. With the iRobot at your disposal, you can have lengthy, one-sided conversations with friends from across the world in the matter of only a few years*!
But is Robo-Telegramming the only method of communication offered by the iPhone? Ha! "Hardly" is the answer to that question! Also, "pretty much." But there is another option! What if you wish to send a message to your friend Byron, who is currently vacationing in Indo-China looking for a suitable concubine, but he is in an important business meeting which he cannot afford to have interrupted by a murderous singing cyborg? Simple! Simply type a message into your iPhone and sooner than you can imagine, Byron will have received your message via...
SMOKE SIGNALS!
Yes, smoke signals. Our red-skinned brethren taught us many things as we jovially slaughtered him and raped his women and his land, but we've forgotten most of them. The iPhone understands that we must sometime look to the past to see the future.
But the iPhone will have many uses beyond "communication." Some of the superfluous features will include:
Can't wait to get your iPhone! Sorry, lads and gals, this baby won't be available for another few years, as our scientists are hard at work beating the Ruskies in putting a blinking metallic doodad in Earth's orbit first to establish dominance and global hubris. Until next time, remember: FIGHT COMMUNISM! BUY iPHONES!
* - more likely, decades
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