Name: Watkins, Rick
Date: 10/31/03
Basic Description: Found crate with the Ark of the Covenant in it. Everyone in the warehouse is now dead via "wrath of God."
Further Details: I just started here like a week ago, so I'm not sure if this is unusual or anything. I know Earl has been toying around with this shrink-ray he found like three months ago, and that seemed pretty bizarre at the time, but this goes WAY beyond that. I was sent to retrieve the original plans for the cotton gin for some Smithsonian event, but I accidentally opened this crate that had this weird chest in it. There were, like, these two golden eagles with their wings touching on top of it and it was real heavy. I had the night shift manager, David, help me unload the damn thing, which wasn't even in the official registry. After we did some research on Google, we figured it was the Ark of the Covenant, or like the thing that holds the remains of the Ten Commandments that Moses smashed after he got all pissed about something. I peeked in the thing and saw what looked like a storm cloud or something inside of it, so I put the top back on and said I was going on my lunch break. When I came back 45 minutes later, David's face was all melted off and everyone in the warehouse had giant gaping holds through their chests. And that damn Ark of the Covenant was still just sittin' there, looking all proper and ominous. So I decided to put it back in the crate and write out this trouble report. Could you also send in someone to clean up the dead bodies? They're all over.
Hey look! This article is on McSweeney's!
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