Poor Peers
I've always considered Jean-Claude Van Damme to be a poor man's Arnold Schwarzenegger, just like I've always considered a hobo to be a poor man's economic equal.
Vincent Vegan
I'll become a vegetarian when they start growing steak trees.
The $upreme ¢ourt
If I wanted to file a lawsuit against someone who was really rich and classy, I would file a lawtuxedo instead.
Pie Chart
According to mathematics, π = 3.14159265358979323846...
According to Baker's Square, π = 10.99
Personally, I prefer Baker's Square's answer.
The ABC's of Clothing
T-shirts are just shirts that sort of look like t's, so why aren't pants called upside-down-V-pants?
PC-PC
Boss: E-mail me those numbers by noon, toots.
Secretary: Excuse me, sir, but that's a little sexist.
Boss: Oh, I apologize. E-person me those numbers by noon, whore.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Website Domain Names That Are Taken
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Thursday, April 10, 2008
Nutritional Facts
Naming a fruit drink "Hi-C" just because it has a high content of vitamin-C is like naming a bottled water "Nothing."
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Elephant-Man: Partner In Heroism and Bravery To Exploding-Man, Defender of Mankind and Other Lesser Creatures
Dear Mankind,
I have heard your cries for help from a masked heroic figure who will brave the darkest alleys, clean up the filthiest dens of sin, and file the most thorough complaints about pot holes to the transportation commissioner. While the world has already been blessed/scorched by the presence of Exploding-Man, the defender of the common and uncommon man alike, the world could use another hero. A hero that picks up where Exploding-Man leaves off. A hero who can help you file your tax return. A hero who drinks his milk every day. A hero like...Elephant-Man.
But while I love defending all of mankind and serving them in the most proficient ways possible, I find that I am often mistaken for a genetically-deformed Englishman of centuries past. I will not fault my publicist nor the press for dubbing me "The Elephant-Man," as I am a half-man, half-elephant hybrid. You all know the famous tale of my origin, wherein my mother was impregnated by a rabid and mutated elephant that had escaped from a mad scientist's laboratory. I was born with the power to use my prehensile trunk as though it were an extra limb, tusks to ensnare my enemies, and a herbovoric nature which leads me to spend 16 hours a day gathering plants to feed myself with. I have always used these many great powers to serve my brothers and fend off harmful types by bellowing or spraying them with water I hold within my trunk. So the name "Elephant-Man" makes sense, given these circumstances.
However, it is very difficult to respond to fan mail when over 75% of my mail consists of letters from medical doctors and researchers, scientists, and Michael Jackson asking to observe me, test me in their experiments, and buy my bones upon my death. I am not deformed in the way you believe me to be deformed, Mankind! I have seen pictures of how you believe me to look, and let me assure you that I would never wear a bag upon my head. That "Elephant-Man" looks nothing like an elephant nor a man! He looks more like "Lumpy-Bag-Man" than "Elephant-Man." Actually, I am insulted he considers himself worthy of the "-Man" title at all, as I can find no evidence of heroics on his part at all! No evidence of defending bystanders from out-of-control automobiles nor elderly ladyfolk from scurrilous vandals nor innocent taxpayers from unjust auditors! I am the true "Elephant-Man!"
Please remember this when you light the "Elephant-Signal" on dark nights, Mankind. When I get there, you had better have some manner of commissioner with you and not a doctor looking to carve apart my insides.
Sincerely,
Elephant-Man
I have heard your cries for help from a masked heroic figure who will brave the darkest alleys, clean up the filthiest dens of sin, and file the most thorough complaints about pot holes to the transportation commissioner. While the world has already been blessed/scorched by the presence of Exploding-Man, the defender of the common and uncommon man alike, the world could use another hero. A hero that picks up where Exploding-Man leaves off. A hero who can help you file your tax return. A hero who drinks his milk every day. A hero like...Elephant-Man.
But while I love defending all of mankind and serving them in the most proficient ways possible, I find that I am often mistaken for a genetically-deformed Englishman of centuries past. I will not fault my publicist nor the press for dubbing me "The Elephant-Man," as I am a half-man, half-elephant hybrid. You all know the famous tale of my origin, wherein my mother was impregnated by a rabid and mutated elephant that had escaped from a mad scientist's laboratory. I was born with the power to use my prehensile trunk as though it were an extra limb, tusks to ensnare my enemies, and a herbovoric nature which leads me to spend 16 hours a day gathering plants to feed myself with. I have always used these many great powers to serve my brothers and fend off harmful types by bellowing or spraying them with water I hold within my trunk. So the name "Elephant-Man" makes sense, given these circumstances.
However, it is very difficult to respond to fan mail when over 75% of my mail consists of letters from medical doctors and researchers, scientists, and Michael Jackson asking to observe me, test me in their experiments, and buy my bones upon my death. I am not deformed in the way you believe me to be deformed, Mankind! I have seen pictures of how you believe me to look, and let me assure you that I would never wear a bag upon my head. That "Elephant-Man" looks nothing like an elephant nor a man! He looks more like "Lumpy-Bag-Man" than "Elephant-Man." Actually, I am insulted he considers himself worthy of the "-Man" title at all, as I can find no evidence of heroics on his part at all! No evidence of defending bystanders from out-of-control automobiles nor elderly ladyfolk from scurrilous vandals nor innocent taxpayers from unjust auditors! I am the true "Elephant-Man!"
Please remember this when you light the "Elephant-Signal" on dark nights, Mankind. When I get there, you had better have some manner of commissioner with you and not a doctor looking to carve apart my insides.
Sincerely,
Elephant-Man
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
The Many Moods of the Dismembered Head of Jason Lee As It Floats Above Some "Gangsta" Rodents
Original Theatrical Release Poster (November 2007)
Commentary: Jason Lee, playing the patriarchal guardian of these rappin' 'munks, is PISSED. He's giving them the "raised eyebrow" glare. Someone's getting their ass beaten with Jason Lee's belt later tonight, and you can bet your life it's gonna be some disobedient vermin. Also: who is the "trouble" they're referring to? Is it the "gangsta" chipmunks that are just straight chillin' in the center, yo? Doubtful. Probably the pissed-off floating head that is slowing coming into the frame. And he is their guardian and father-figure. Yikes. I'd hate to see what the bad guy looks like in this film. And "They're back and bigger than ever?" They look about normal-sized here. maybe even a little smaller, in reference to the human head near them at least. Unless that's a six-foot tall disembodied head floating above them...in which case, I need to see this movie.DVD Release Cover (March 2008)
Commentary: AWWWW! I bet Jason Lee plays an exasperated but well-meaning father-figure in this wacky kidz movie. I'm ready to get my "squeak" on, are you?!?!?!
Honestly, this is a more appropriate, if far more dull, cover for this movie. Jason Lee's head is no longer a six-foot tall monstrosity. Either the chipmunks grew double their size or Jason Lee's horrifying and angered cranium shrunk a little and calmed itself down. So much for my hopes for a David Lynch-directed "Alvin and the Chipmunks" movie. By the way, how the hell did this movie not get spelled "Alvin and the Chipmunkz?" Or "Alvin and the Chipmunk$?" Or "HEY KIDS LOOK ANIMALS GIVE US MONEY?"
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