The truth is that history is boring because when you are taught history, all of the awesome parts are left out or glossed over in favor of the "important stuff," i.e. stuff that is too awesome for our adolescent, MTV-soaked, Tamagotchi-loving brains to comprehend. So we get stuck learning about cotton gins, Eli Whitney, and more cotton gins. But what happened to all of the awesome moments and people in history? Do they even exist?
Oh yes, they certainly do. And they're even sweeter than you could imagine. Today we'll profile one of history's most awesome historical figures: Aaron Burr.
Aaron Burr
Aaron Burr is described by the renowned, oft-bibliographied in research papers by desperate high schoolers (i.e. me) website Wikipedia as a "hero and adventurer." Not a shabby beginning. Anyone who can turn "doing brave things" and "having adventures" into a fruitful career deserves a little recognition. But this makes him look like a boring goody-two-pantaloons, eh? Well, let's cut right to the sweet innards then.
Burr was running for Governor of New York when noted nancy-boy and spoiled dandy Alexander Hamilton began writing defamatory remarks about the hero/adventurer, which cost everyone's favorite wily hero/adventurer the election. But the suspected communist Hamilton went beyond the limits of good taste at a dinner party when he rallied the incomprehensible gall to utter from his soulless gullet that he could express a "still more despicable opinion" of Burr. This outrageously slanderous and malicious comment eventually made its way to the universally-beloved hero/adventurer Burr, who demanded an apology from the reviled muckraker Hamilton. When Hamilton refused, claiming he could not remember making the comment (most likely due to his loss of sanity due to his particularly vile case of chlamydia which he received from raping young children to appease his lord and master, Satan), Burr took the gentleman's route and challenged the poofter Hamilton to a duel.
The duel was to take place on July 11, 1804, along the west bank of the Hudson River on a rocky ledge in Weehawken, New Jersey, where Hamilton's equally villainous and squeamish son Philip had been killed three years earlier in a duel (possibly by his twistedly deviant father). Hamilton, being the one who was challenged (not to mention the sissier of the two), was given first choice of weapon and position for his ultimate doom.
At dawn, the duel began. Hamilton, having the bravery of a panicked 8 year-old girl, shot at the ground. This act was considered by some to "exemplify courage" and could "bring a peaceful resolution to a duel," but history clearly shows us that it was merely an attempt by the scurrilous Hamilton to escape his due punishment for his continued slander against a noted American hero. Burr, not one to be deceived by such thinly-veiled trickery, fired and hit the scoundrel in his lower abdomen above the right hip. The bullet ricocheted about Hamilton's ever-cursed torso, effectively destroying his bileful liver and diabolical diaphragm.
Burr immediately left the scene. According to his second, William P. Van Ness, he ate eggs and toast for his victory breakfast in Manhattan. Well-earned eggs and toast, in this writer's humble opinion.
Also, Burr was behind a conspiracy to steal away a bunch of land west of the Appalachians and start his own massive nation with himself as a self-imposed King or Emporer, with the eventual goal of overthrowing the United States government. Plus, he got acquitted of treason charges when he was caught later. Not too shabby, eh?
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