Getting Lost With Lost

Okay, so there's this show about people who crashed on an island and they deal with wacky natives and keep trying to get off the island but they're never quite able to. The characters all have very unique personalities, histories, and outlooks on life. One day they get rescued and return to the mainland, where they find they are all deeply regretting what transpired and do not feel as though returning has done them much good. Eventually, they return to the island. Also, the Harlem Globetrotters end up on the island and have a wacky adventure with the castaways.

This is Gilligan's Island, although, if you'll notice, the series-spanning plotline is almost identical to that of Lost, with the exception of the Harlem Globetrotters (it should be noted that the series has yet to end and the Harlem Globetrotters could easily be revealed to be the people behind the Smoker Monster). Why is this? Is it because shows about islands are very limited in what can really happen, or are Damon Lindelof and J.J. Abrams just that lazy?

This all could have been avoided. Initially, a man named Jeffrey Lieber wrote the original draft of the show that would become Lost. You'll notice his name when the "Created by..." credits come up every episode, but you'll never see his name behind a writing credit. Strange? Maybe. Why was Jeffrey Lieber left out of the series after his initial contribution? Perhaps we can shed some light on this issue. Here are some excerpts from what could have been... Jeffrey Lieber's original pilot script.

"THAT ISLAND SHOW"

PILOT SCRIPT

by

JEFFREY LIEBER

EXT. SOME TROPICAL ISLAND - DAY

A man wakes up on a tropical beach. His clothes are ragged, torn, and bloody. His face is scratched up. His business suit is disheveled. This is REUBEN MACHIAVELLI. He gets up reluctantly; he is bruised and hurt. Probably because his plane just crashed. The shot pans past REUBEN to reveal a bunch of people are on the beach, beaten and bloody, and surrounded by plane wreckage.

REUBEN

We're all crashed on a scary island.

REUBEN is approached by another survivor, SOCRATES PLATO. He is a rap-artist from the ghetto of some sorts. He is wearing a red t-shirt and jeans. He is very athletic but not very tall but he may be wise despite what you might think from his demeanor.

SOCRATES

Yo cracka. Why you say that, foo? We might just be in Hawaii or some goddamn shit like that.

REUBEN

No way. We are definitely on a scary island because our plane crashed in a mysterious manner and we should all have died but we are alive and that is definitely strange.

The two are approached by a sexy brunette lady, MONTANA PASCAL. She is adventurous and wears a tank top and some shorts. She is bleeding badly from her stomach.

MONTANA

Are you two gonna argue about this island all day or is someone gonna save my life?

SOCRATES looks off into the distance wistfully. He is being reminded of a painful memory from his past and he is struggling with it before he snaps out of it.

SOCRATES

Yo! That shit is whack yo. I can help you, bitch. Does anyone got some needles or a band-aid or some shit like that yo?

Bumbling up to SOCRATES is a pudgy, jovial teenager with a first aid kit he just found. His name is FRANKIE HEIDEGGER. He is wearing a nerd t-shirt that says "I LIKE VIDEO GAMES" and he is wearing sweat pants that are all torn up because he was just in a plane crash.

FRANKIE

Here you go, radical dude! I just found this in the plane wreckage.

REUBEN

Socrates, you save this woman's life and I will round up the rest of the survivors and we will form a society and look for rescue immediately.

SOCRATES

Shut up, foo!

REUBEN leaves with FRANKIE. SOCRATES begins bandaging up MONTANA's wound.

MONTANA

So, you some kinda doctor or something?

SOCRATES

Shit no. I'm from the streets.

MONTANA

You and I are very different people but I feel a connection.

SOCRATES

Yeah, we both was just in a plane crash, bitch!

EXT. SOME TROPICAL ISLAND - NIGHT

The survivors are all standing around REUBEN. SOCRATES looks impatient. There are fires in the backround that have been built by the production crew.

REUBEN

Everyone! I do not think rescue is coming any time soon. If we were going to be rescued they probably would have called me on my cell phone by now but they haven't. I think we should lead an exploration into the jungle to see if we can find a spare plane or helicopter or food.

SOCRATES

What?! Hell naw! We should build some more fires so that we can get our asses rescued! I don't want to live on no island!

FRANKIE

I'm torn between two options, dudes.

REUBEN

If you come with me you'll get rescued.

FRANKIE

Cowabunga!

FRANKIE goes over to REUBEN.

MONTANA

I just want to get rescued so you guys go and I'll wait here.

A young blonde woman steps forward. She is OLGA KAFKA. She has short blonde hair and is skinny. She is wearing a bikini and wears large sunglasses even though it is night. She has recently put on makeup and lipstick and is holding a chihuahua.

OLGA

Like, we should get rescued. I'm going with the hot guy.

FRANKIE

Me? No way! Awesome!

OLGA

No, you're nerdy and weird. I'm talking about Reuben.

FRANKIE

Um, girls are gross and have cooties anyways and I don't love you or anything.

REUBEN

Okay, then Frankie and Olga and I will go look for stuff in the jungle and you will all stay here and wait for something to happen and I hope we can get away from this scary island soon.

REUBEN stares off into the distance. He is remembering something painful or relevant from his past. A whooshing sound is heard.

INT. SOME HOUSE - DAY

Reuben is sitting in a big chair next to his dad, who is in another big chair. This is pre-plane crash. Reuben's dad is old looking and has a mustache. Reuben is wearing a nice shirt and tie.

REUBEN

Hey dad I love you.

REUBEN'S DAD

I'm trying to watch the TV. Go away.

REUBEN

I'm an alcoholic I think give me another drink please.

REUBEN'S DAD

I'm going to go to the bar because I can't stand you.

REUBEN

But dad I love you.

REUBEN'S DAD

You are not my son.

REUBEN

But you're my dad, that doesn't make sense.

REUBEN'S DAD

No, your mother had an affair and you are another man's child. Not mine.

REUBEN

No! That cannot be true, because I love you and you are my dad.

REUBEN'S DAD

I'm sorry this hurts you but that is the truth and you will just have to deal with it.

REUBEN

This will haunt me forever. I'm going to get on a plane and get far away.

REUBEN'S DAD

I hope that plane crashes 'cuz then I won't have to deal with you anymore.

REUBEN

You have never understood me and our relationship has always had highs and lows and we have a checkered past full of dramatic occurences.

REUBEN'S DAD

Yes I know that, Reuben.

REUBEN

You know what I'm talking about specifically.

REUBEN'S DAD

Yes I do. I know the exact event. The event that lead to our initial falling out.

REUBEN

Yes, that event. That event has scarred me for life and will never stop scarring me for life.

REUBEN'S DAD

I am sorry that event happened. Please don't get into a plane crash.

REUBEN

Like you care, fatso.

REUBEN gets up and leaves and gives his dad the finger.

EXT. SOME TROPICAL ISLAND - NIGHT

We return to where REUBEN left off.

SOCRATES

While you crackas go and do that shit, I'm gonna get us rescued fo' real!

REUBEN

Whatever. Time to go into the jungle.

DIET DIET DIET BOOK BOOK BOOK

Diets are all the rage. 'Rage' was the name of the disease the zombies had in 28 Days Later. Hence, diets could cause zombies. But does that stop them? No. Rather, diet books are among the top-selling books every single year and, no matter what the vast health risks or questionable theory behind them, they never stop selling incredibly well.

That's why we here at This Site! have decided to expand our meager Laser-diet into a full-fledged dietary supplement of a book. Here is the introduction which you will one day pay for.

THE ULTIMATE FINAL WEIGHT-LOSS DIET:

YOU WILL INSTANTLY LOSE 200 LBS. AND GROW WINGS WHICH YOU CAN USE TO SOAR THROUGH THE HEAVENS AND MOCK LESSER CREATURES FOR ALL ETERNITY IF YOU ADHERE STRICTLY TO THIS DIET AND NOTHING ELSE

INTRODUCTION

by Franklin T. American

I have a confession to make: I used to be really fat.

Yes, shocking but true. I used to be a lardo to the extreme. Like, I would eat twenty cows a day and consume fifty gallons of Pepsi-brand cola mixed with whole milk. I weighed over 10,000,000 lbs. I had to be kept on a small island off the coast of Newfoundland and animals would often lay nests in my various flaps of lard and such. Doctors called my existence "impossible" and "physiologically abhorrent." I was gradually sinking the small island I lived on, threatening the wildlife that had rested there for thousands, if not millions, of years. The moon was slowly falling towards the earth under the strong gravitational pull coming from me. Approximately forty children have sunken and died after falling into my excess weight, although it is suspected that there could have been twice that amount that the police were unable to find.

To be fair, being a fatass is a disease. Fatness is a disease, people! The viruses are buttery mashed potatoes, oil-soaked french fries, and creamy ice cream. The cure? Well, we'll get to that later. I spent over 20 years battling this life-enhancing disease. But it was all for naught. Because the cure was still years away while the viruses continued to plague my feeble immune sytem (stomach).

My inability to move and my vast expanse of flesh proved to be beyond troublesome. My excretion process (and the resulting impossibility for me to reach any sort of sewage process) lead to a massive build-up of feces in the nether regions of my body, eventually tipping me at a 60-degree angle. The excretion was viewable from space within five years, and the stench had killed all life on the island which my body had not crushed when I was initially placed there by the United States government.

Self-esteem was a big problem (no pun intended). All of the investigations and news cameras and dead children really started to get to me. When the Mythbusters guys showed up and essentially spent two weeks making fun of me and staring in horror-struck awe at me, I knew I had hit rock bottom. And I knew that if I didn't do something about my weight fast, I would literally sink to the rock bottom of the sea.

After some consulting with my team of doctors and a few voodoo shaman, I decided that I would give a risky, new, vivacious diet a try: THE ULTIMATE FINAL WEIGHT-LOSS DIET. But I was worried at first. What kind of foods would I be allowed to eat? Could I continue eating twenty-three tons worth of plankton a day? Would I be allowed to put frosting and barbeque sauce on my daily twelve gallons-worth of mashed potatoes? Would they make me attempt to excercise, even though my legs had been crushed years ago and were now virtually indistinguishable from the rest of my body?

Would this diet require me to do anything at all?

The answer pleased me greatly. "Aw, hell no," responded the diet's inventor, Dr. Boris Felding. "Do whatever you want all the time, any time. You can eat all you want to eat and stay immobile all you want to stay immobile. Nothing can stop the LASERS!"

That's right. It was gonna be lasers. Lasers would cure me of my horrible disease. Of course! If they can use lasers to cure eyesight problems, why not my glandular disorder? I knew the road to recovery would be difficult and fraught with chicken wings. I knew that getting down to my slim goal of 9,500,492 lbs. would be no easy task. But the thought of being able to scratch that spot on my ass where ants had colonized about 10 years ago was too glorious to not attain.

Dr. Felding's unique and wholly-inconceivable diet was hoisted upon me by a construction team, who would feed me over a baker's dozen of lasers every decaweek (10 day period). The lasers would travel through my body, shooting aimlessly at both flesh and fat, and eventually be digested along with the rest of my food.

All you need to know now is that it works. Trust me, fellas and ladies, it works. I was once a sumptuous 10,000,000 lbs. After a single year on this diet, I weight a slender 9,451,892 lbs. and counting. Doctors estimate I should have died over three years ago, but now that I'm on the diet, they estimate I only should have died two years ago! Soon I will no longer be a "supposed to be dead" person. Soon, I will be a "suppose to die in X years" person.

And ya know what? SO CAN YOU!

You are about to start a journey of unprecedented weight-loss. Say goodbye to those pounds, because they don't stand a chance against the lasers!

Valentine's Day Advice

Hello, lovestruck individual! Have you felt the sharp stab of Cupid's broadheaded arrows piercing your flesh repeatedly this day? Do you wish to give the same feeling to your significant other? Do you want to find a significant other to give this feeling to? Have you eaten one too many of those Little Debbie Heart Cakes today?


Time for some LOVE-VICE! (that's internet-lingo for "love advice")

• It's Valentine's Day and you've forgotten to get your significant other a gift! O foul circumstance, why do you haunt me?! But not all is lost! Tell your significant other that Valentine's Day is a capitalistic sham and that you two will be going out for a romantic dinner for President's Day - only a few days away! Perfect!


• You are a Mormon husband and have three wives! This Valentine's Day could get expensive if you wish to buy chocolates and flowers and Mitt Romney bumper stickers for all of them! Or...will it?! All you have to do is tell your two eldest wives that they are getting fat and already smell fantastic, so chocolates and flowers would be superfluous, and focus all of your money and attentions on your new 15 year-old wife! Amazing!


• Your significant other is deathly allergic to all but the most expensive kind of chocolate, which retails for $500/oz. My heavens! Whatever are you to do?! Simple, dear fellows and madams! Set your house on fire and use the resulting insurance money to buy him or her more expensive chocolate than they could ever desire! Lustrous!


• Your significant other doesn't want fancy gifts or treats, merely a heartfelt card from you. But you don't feel like doing that! Buy a standard Hallmark card from Walgreens and tell your significant other than you've recently acquired a printing press and have bought the copyright to the name and logo for Hallmark! Flawless!


• You need to take your significant other out to a fancy dinner-styled restaurant, but you haven't made a reservation and have no money! Woe is you! Is there a way out? Go driving in the mountains, pick up a hitchhiker, and crash into a ditch during a snowstorm. The only way you'll survive is by eating the hitchhiker - FREE OF CHARGE! A delicious (and nutritious) meal that will haunt you for years to come. Tremendous!


• Your leg is caught in a bear trap in the middle of the woods and your canteen just ran out of water - and you're late for picking up the flowers you planned on giving to your significant other! You don't have your phone with you! You hear wolves in the distance. AHHHHH!!! There is no hope. All is lost. You may want to consider suicide. Depressing!

Television's Worst Jacks

1. Jack McFarland (WILL & GRACE)

If you don't already know this, then I pray for your everlasting soul.

Television's Greatest Jacks

1. Jack Bauer (24)







If there's any question in your mind as to why this Jack is the best Jack, then you don't know Jack! (wait for uproarious laughter) Seriously though, folks. The man has single-handedly saved Los Angeles, Mexico, the United States of America, countless presidents, and often the entire world...IN 24 HOURS. He has also died twice and come back to life. Even Jesus can't match that. Checkmate.

2. Jack McCoy (LAW & ORDER)

The king of the gravelly-voiced courtroom speech. He's always on the side of right, even when he's being accompanied by vapid models who have no clue how to act alongside this legendary Jack. He's the "Law" in "Law & Order" and is usually way better than "Order." Personally, I'm not a huge fan of "Order" since Jerry Orbach left, but then what do I know?

3. Jack Shepherd (LOST)

Superheroic, tortured, daddy-issue-ful, O-negative-blooded, man-of-science Jack is quite the Jack. He's constantly saving everyone's asses, making bold yet often stupid decisions, and shooting guns while looking very intense. Also, the man grows a mean beard, and has the power to punch Hobbits back to life. His cup runneth over!


4. Jack Bristow (ALIAS)






Whether he's torturin', savin' his greatest enemies for mysterious purposes, bein' mysterious, or just lookin' over his daughter, Jack Bristow knows a badassness that most of us will never truly experience fully.

5. Jackie Chiles (SEINFELD)





You all love Jackie Chiles, even though we all know that Michael Richards was covertly burning crosses in front of him and yelling racial slurs off-stage. And putting Jackie Chiles any lower on this list would be totally inappropriate. It would be lewd, vesivius, salacious, outrageous! Man, pale imitations of Seinfeld characters' quotes never gets old.


6. Cpt. Jack Harkness (TORCHWOOD)





Jack Harkness? That is probably the badassest name on the list, yet he is only the 6th awesomest? Probably because he's British. They can be classy folks, but they still have tea time and awful teeth. Oh, and this dude hunts demons or something.


7. Jack Donaghy (30 ROCK)





Anyone who can do a Redd Fox impersonation like this man can deserves at least twelve Nobel Peace Prizes and a handful of gummi bears. That has no relevance to the man or the show he's on, but c'mon. Also, this man is amazing and his salary negotiations begin at one dollar. I like those odds!


8. Jack Tripper (THREE'S COMPANY)






He's not actually gay, but he must pretend like he is or Norman Fell and Barney Fife will kick him out of that apartment! And thus I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry found a plot-device to steal so that Adam Sandler could make another $100 million dollars for yelling and Rob Schneider could play another insentively-portrayed ethnicity. Huzzah!

9. "Uncle" Jack Dorso (ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT)

He was only in one episode, but creepy "Uncle" Jack (aka "The Bullet") was a pretty fantastic faux-Jack LaLanne. "Shoot me!" "It was a bad hire. Not 'higher!' 'HIRE!'" "Shake me!" "I took down the Army-boy!" Man, that was a good show. I feel bad for the eleven people who watched it. Twelve if you include me.

10. Jack Stiles (JACK OF ALL TRADES)

Well, I'm pretty sure they only named him Jack to go along with that lame pun of a title. But Bruce Campbell is an amazingly qualified badass in everything he does, this included. He was a 19th-century secret agent on a devious French island and would often spoil the plans of Napoleon (as portrayed by Mini-Me) and other dubious characters. And it was Bruce Campbell!

TeleValentines: Golden Girls Edition

TeleValentines 2

24 - Season 7 Pre-Recap

The Writers' Guild of America has gone on strike just to annoy loyal television viewers everywhere. They specifically made outrageous demands to prolong the strike, such as "GOLD! MORE GOLD!", "RON PAUL FOR PRESIDENT!", and "WE WANT LEPRECHAUNS TO PLAY EVERY ROLE ON EVERY SHOW SO THAT THEY WILL LEAD US TO MORE RICHES!" The cost of this strike has been great, with no new movie scripts in the works, and scripted television programs having vastly scaled back seasons.

One of the most unfortunate victims of the dastardly writers was the televised suspense program, 24. 24 was a serialized drama program which displayed 24 hours in the life of people who were very anti-terrorism. Does this make the WGA pro-terrorism? We're not pointing any fingers, buuuuut...

Anyways, 24's producers decided to scrap this season, even though eight episodes had been produced. The logic behind this was that viewers expected to see the full 24-episode story, and would feel cheated only being able to see 1/3 of it. This is particularly sad for fans of the show, as there were going to be many changes made to revitalize the aging drama, such as:

• The show would change locales from Los Angeles to Washington D.C., where everything is different.


• The season would not start at the top of the hour, but rather at the :34 minute mark.


• The season would be on daylights savings time day, adding an extra hour to the suspense.


• Jack would tear off an extremity of someone in each episode.


• Tony Almeida, a character killed off in season 5, would return as the villain.


• Every single dead character ever to appear on 24 would return as villains.


• The ridiculous elements of the show (constant nukes being stolen, Presidents being assassinated left and right) would be scaled back to get back to the gritty, personal tone of the show's first season.

Sadly, we may never see this mind-exploding season. However, our mole at Fox has gotten us episode descriptions, so that we may weep at what might have been.

7.01: "3:34 PM - 4:34 PM" - In Washington D.C., Jack Bauer is being tried for crimes against the laws of physics and ignoring the space/time continuum by travelling distances impossible given the time it took to travel them. As Jack vigorously defends himself by biting into the necks of various senators, a sinister plot is being plotted by plotting-terrorists. Chloe makes an annoyed face for a few minutes. The terrorists hijack the internet.



7.02: "4:34 PM - 5:34 PM" - Jack's trial is interrupted mid-neck-biting so he may be escorted into the Pentagon by Special Agent Wendy Mackenzie to assist with dealing with the recent terrorist attack and any following terrorist attacks. Chloe is there, for some reason, and in front of a computer. So is Bill Buchanan. While Jack and the FBI try to figure out who was behind the terrorist attack, the terrorists hijack the stock market.



7.03: "5:34 PM - 6:34 PM" - With both the stock market and the internet under terrorist control, Jack and the FBI realize that they must find the source of who is behind the attack within the next 22 hours or all will be lost. The leader of the terrorists reveals himself: Tony Almeida, Jack's former co-worker, thought long-dead. Jack interrogates Tony's sister, Alissa, for information. He tears off both of her arms to get her to talk, but it turns out Jack had the wrong address and interrogated an innocent civilian. Chloe poops her pants and gives an annoyed look to someone. The terrorists hijack NORAD.



7.04: "6:34 PM - 7:34 PM" - The FBI picks up some "chatter" and Chloe opens a socket, which leads Jack to Tony's location: inside the White House! Jack interrogates the President of the United States to get Tony's whereabouts, but the President claims to have no idea what Jack is talking about. Jack shoots the Vice President in the face to get him to talk, but to no avail. Bill smells something foul when he asks Chloe where the vending machine is. Chloe uses her computer to figure out that Tony is in the Lincoln Bedroom. Jack confronts Tony about being up to terroristy things, but it turns out it was all a diversion to trick Jack into shooting the Vice President in the face. Tony then chops off his own head as Jack screams, "DAMMIT!"



7.05: "7:34 PM - 8:34 PM" - Jack, now on the run from the Secret Service, has to find out who set him up. The FBI discovers it is Nina Myers, thought long-dead, who is behind the framing. Jack knows that it must all be a diversion to take attention away from the real attack: to hijack a nuclear weapon and blow up the moon. Chloe visits an old friend who may be associated with the attacks. Bill Buchanan notices a strange stain on the back of Chloe's pants. Jack is forced to take the President hostage so he can get out of the White House and clear his name.



7.06: "8:34 PM - 9:34 PM" - With the President being held hostage, the FBI decides that nuking the White House is the only way to ensure the death of the terrorists. Bill Buchanan tries to stop them, knowing that Jack was set up and the only way to stop the upcoming attacks is to save Jack. Chloe decides to change pants. Jack explains the situation to the President, who is overwhelmed by the horror of what is to come, and takes his own life with a butter knife. Jack, knowing that it will look like he murdered the President, puts on a fake mustache and sneaks past the Secret Service agents right before the nuke is launched.



7.07: "9:34 PM - 10:34 PM" - Jack finds one of Nina's old associates and interrogates them as to her whereabouts. After stabbing out both of the man's eyes, Jack discovers that Nina had some radical plastic surgery and is now going by the name Special Agent Wendy Mackenzie. Jack says, "Oh my god..." in a horrified half-whisper, then punches the man in the face. Chloe sprays some deodorant on her new pants to get rid of the smell, to little avail. The nuclear bomb intended for the White House is re-directed to the moon by Special Agent Wendy Mackenzie. Bill Buchanan declares "My god..." in a horrified tone.



7.08: "10:34 PM - 11:34 PM" - Before Jack can get back to the Pentagon, Special Agent Wendy Mackenzie has fled. The nuclear bomb is an hour from reaching the moon, but it turns out that was only a diversion to hide the true purpose of Nina's plan: to nuke Mars. Chloe buys some adult diapers, giving the clerk at the store an annoyed look. Jack calls the one man who can help him track down Nina before it's too late: Tony Almeida, thought long-dead.