Valentine's Day Advice

Hello, lovestruck individual! Have you felt the sharp stab of Cupid's broadheaded arrows piercing your flesh repeatedly this day? Do you wish to give the same feeling to your significant other? Do you want to find a significant other to give this feeling to? Have you eaten one too many of those Little Debbie Heart Cakes today?


Time for some LOVE-VICE! (that's internet-lingo for "love advice")

• It's Valentine's Day and you've forgotten to get your significant other a gift! O foul circumstance, why do you haunt me?! But not all is lost! Tell your significant other that Valentine's Day is a capitalistic sham and that you two will be going out for a romantic dinner for President's Day - only a few days away! Perfect!


• You are a Mormon husband and have three wives! This Valentine's Day could get expensive if you wish to buy chocolates and flowers and Mitt Romney bumper stickers for all of them! Or...will it?! All you have to do is tell your two eldest wives that they are getting fat and already smell fantastic, so chocolates and flowers would be superfluous, and focus all of your money and attentions on your new 15 year-old wife! Amazing!


• Your significant other is deathly allergic to all but the most expensive kind of chocolate, which retails for $500/oz. My heavens! Whatever are you to do?! Simple, dear fellows and madams! Set your house on fire and use the resulting insurance money to buy him or her more expensive chocolate than they could ever desire! Lustrous!


• Your significant other doesn't want fancy gifts or treats, merely a heartfelt card from you. But you don't feel like doing that! Buy a standard Hallmark card from Walgreens and tell your significant other than you've recently acquired a printing press and have bought the copyright to the name and logo for Hallmark! Flawless!


• You need to take your significant other out to a fancy dinner-styled restaurant, but you haven't made a reservation and have no money! Woe is you! Is there a way out? Go driving in the mountains, pick up a hitchhiker, and crash into a ditch during a snowstorm. The only way you'll survive is by eating the hitchhiker - FREE OF CHARGE! A delicious (and nutritious) meal that will haunt you for years to come. Tremendous!


• Your leg is caught in a bear trap in the middle of the woods and your canteen just ran out of water - and you're late for picking up the flowers you planned on giving to your significant other! You don't have your phone with you! You hear wolves in the distance. AHHHHH!!! There is no hope. All is lost. You may want to consider suicide. Depressing!