DIET DIET DIET BOOK BOOK BOOK

Diets are all the rage. 'Rage' was the name of the disease the zombies had in 28 Days Later. Hence, diets could cause zombies. But does that stop them? No. Rather, diet books are among the top-selling books every single year and, no matter what the vast health risks or questionable theory behind them, they never stop selling incredibly well.

That's why we here at This Site! have decided to expand our meager Laser-diet into a full-fledged dietary supplement of a book. Here is the introduction which you will one day pay for.

THE ULTIMATE FINAL WEIGHT-LOSS DIET:

YOU WILL INSTANTLY LOSE 200 LBS. AND GROW WINGS WHICH YOU CAN USE TO SOAR THROUGH THE HEAVENS AND MOCK LESSER CREATURES FOR ALL ETERNITY IF YOU ADHERE STRICTLY TO THIS DIET AND NOTHING ELSE

INTRODUCTION

by Franklin T. American

I have a confession to make: I used to be really fat.

Yes, shocking but true. I used to be a lardo to the extreme. Like, I would eat twenty cows a day and consume fifty gallons of Pepsi-brand cola mixed with whole milk. I weighed over 10,000,000 lbs. I had to be kept on a small island off the coast of Newfoundland and animals would often lay nests in my various flaps of lard and such. Doctors called my existence "impossible" and "physiologically abhorrent." I was gradually sinking the small island I lived on, threatening the wildlife that had rested there for thousands, if not millions, of years. The moon was slowly falling towards the earth under the strong gravitational pull coming from me. Approximately forty children have sunken and died after falling into my excess weight, although it is suspected that there could have been twice that amount that the police were unable to find.

To be fair, being a fatass is a disease. Fatness is a disease, people! The viruses are buttery mashed potatoes, oil-soaked french fries, and creamy ice cream. The cure? Well, we'll get to that later. I spent over 20 years battling this life-enhancing disease. But it was all for naught. Because the cure was still years away while the viruses continued to plague my feeble immune sytem (stomach).

My inability to move and my vast expanse of flesh proved to be beyond troublesome. My excretion process (and the resulting impossibility for me to reach any sort of sewage process) lead to a massive build-up of feces in the nether regions of my body, eventually tipping me at a 60-degree angle. The excretion was viewable from space within five years, and the stench had killed all life on the island which my body had not crushed when I was initially placed there by the United States government.

Self-esteem was a big problem (no pun intended). All of the investigations and news cameras and dead children really started to get to me. When the Mythbusters guys showed up and essentially spent two weeks making fun of me and staring in horror-struck awe at me, I knew I had hit rock bottom. And I knew that if I didn't do something about my weight fast, I would literally sink to the rock bottom of the sea.

After some consulting with my team of doctors and a few voodoo shaman, I decided that I would give a risky, new, vivacious diet a try: THE ULTIMATE FINAL WEIGHT-LOSS DIET. But I was worried at first. What kind of foods would I be allowed to eat? Could I continue eating twenty-three tons worth of plankton a day? Would I be allowed to put frosting and barbeque sauce on my daily twelve gallons-worth of mashed potatoes? Would they make me attempt to excercise, even though my legs had been crushed years ago and were now virtually indistinguishable from the rest of my body?

Would this diet require me to do anything at all?

The answer pleased me greatly. "Aw, hell no," responded the diet's inventor, Dr. Boris Felding. "Do whatever you want all the time, any time. You can eat all you want to eat and stay immobile all you want to stay immobile. Nothing can stop the LASERS!"

That's right. It was gonna be lasers. Lasers would cure me of my horrible disease. Of course! If they can use lasers to cure eyesight problems, why not my glandular disorder? I knew the road to recovery would be difficult and fraught with chicken wings. I knew that getting down to my slim goal of 9,500,492 lbs. would be no easy task. But the thought of being able to scratch that spot on my ass where ants had colonized about 10 years ago was too glorious to not attain.

Dr. Felding's unique and wholly-inconceivable diet was hoisted upon me by a construction team, who would feed me over a baker's dozen of lasers every decaweek (10 day period). The lasers would travel through my body, shooting aimlessly at both flesh and fat, and eventually be digested along with the rest of my food.

All you need to know now is that it works. Trust me, fellas and ladies, it works. I was once a sumptuous 10,000,000 lbs. After a single year on this diet, I weight a slender 9,451,892 lbs. and counting. Doctors estimate I should have died over three years ago, but now that I'm on the diet, they estimate I only should have died two years ago! Soon I will no longer be a "supposed to be dead" person. Soon, I will be a "suppose to die in X years" person.

And ya know what? SO CAN YOU!

You are about to start a journey of unprecedented weight-loss. Say goodbye to those pounds, because they don't stand a chance against the lasers!