"Adult Mutant Accountant Turtles" Theme Song

Adult Mutant Accountant Turtles
Adult Mutant Accountant Turtles
Adult Mutant Accountant Turtles
Middle-aged mutants with 401Ks
Fiscal analysis!

They're the world's most respectable financial team (We're really thorough!)
They're professionals in their 40s and they're green (Hey - just like money!)
When the evil Shredder gets audited
These turtle CPAs don't cut him no slack!

Adult Mutant Accountant Turtles
Adult Mutant Accountant Turtles

Professor Splinter taught them to be well-trained bookkeepers (He's a respected faculty member!)
Leonardo files, Donatello does accounts payable (That's a debit, Jack!)
Raphael is organized but fiscally-conservative (Gimme a bank!)
Michaelangelo is a party dude (GOP!)

Adult Mutant Accountant Turtles
Adult Mutant Accountant Turtles
Adult Mutant Accountant Turtles
Middle-aged mutants with 401Ks
Fiscal analysis!

You Lost Me

What follows is the original pilot script to Lost, as written by Damon Lindelof and J.J. Abrams. ABC feared that they were giving too much away in the first episode, and told them to give the audience this information a little bit at a time, such as over the course of four seasons of television.



Jack: Okay, everyone gather 'round. I'm Jack, we crashed on this island. I'm kind of an alcoholic and I had a really complicated relationship with my father, Christian, who was also an alcoholic.

Claire: Christian Shepherd? That's my dad!

Jack: No way!

Sawyer: Oh yeah, I know that guy too. I met him at a bar. He's proud of you.

Jack: You met my dad?

Sawyer: Yeah, I met him right before I killed this guy I thought had ruined my life as a child. He was a con-man who went by "Sawyer" and had an affair with my mother and then my dad found out and killed her and himself. It was ugly.

Locke: No way! That sounds just like my dad! He stole my kidney and then paralyzed me.

Kate: Paralyzed people can't walk.

Locke: Don't tell me what I can't do! I can walk now, obviously. I think this island is magic or something crazy like that.

Kate: Know what else is crazy? I killed my stepdad, who was actually my dad, by blowing up the house he was in. Then I went on the run for a long time. That marshall guy that's dying there was taking me to the US to put me in jail.

The "monster noise" is heard in the jungle.

Charlie: What was that, mates?

Hurley: I think it was a monster made of smoke that's floating around for some reason.

Charlie: That's bloody weird. Almost as bloody weird as me being a heroin addict due to my rock band, Drive Shaft, and my brother, Liam.

Hurley: Oh, I've heard you. You guys suck.

Sun: Ha! They totally do.

Shannon: You speak English?

Sun: Oh yeah, I do. Hey Jin.

Jin: (something Korean-y)

Sun: I speak English. I also had an affair with a bald guy who taught it to me, then he killed himself, or maybe I did. But you can't blame me, right? You used to be a really nice guy before we got married and I paid off a blackmail debt to your prostitute mother by taking a loan from my father, which led him to make you his guy who beat the shit out of people which destroyed your soul. I hope we reconcile. Wanna bone in that tent and see if we can get me knocked up?

Jin: ...boat?

Sayid: While they're boning, we should try to figure out how to get off this island. I need to get back to Nadia, this chick I used to like and who I sorta tortured once. I'm from Iraq. Did I mention that?

Michael: No. Hey, where'd Walt go?

Sayid: Oh, some grungy-lookin' pirates took him.

Michael: WAAAAAAALT! WAAAAAAALT! I wanted to be there for him, but his mom was a bitch and took him away from me. I'm trying to get to know him now. Sucks that he got kidnapped.

Locke: Hey, while you guys were talking, I found some door in the jungle.

Jack: Did you open it?

Locke: Yeah, there was a Scottish guy in there and I made him stop pressing some button. It just exploded and released a bunch of electromagnetic energy so the island is visible to the outside world again.

Desmond: Hi bruthas. I'm Desmond. I can kinda see the future. Charlie, you're gonna die.

Charlie: Okay, I'll go swim to an underwater station so we can all get rescued.

Desmond: Sounds good. Then I can reunite with this chick I liked but got separated from due to her father's meddling. It was kinda like The Notebook.

Rousseau: I found this guy in the jungle.

Ben: My name is Henry Gale!

Sayid: Really?

Ben: No, it's Benjamin Linus. I'm an Other, which means I'm part of this group of people who were on the island before you guys. I was initially part of the Dharma Initiative, but it was purged by me and other people who have been on the island a long time and may or may not be immortal. It's complicated.

Rousseau: They whisper.

Ben: Right. I'm really manipulative. If you help me escape, Michael, I'll give you back Walt. He makes birds run into doors. I don't like that and neither does Jacob, the cabin-ghost guy who runs this island.

Michael: Okay. (shoots off into the distance) I just killed Libby and Ana-Lucia. Trust me, they're on the other side of the island. Tail section.

Ben: Okay, here's Walt back. Get on this boat and then go sneak onto the freighter that's coming to kill us.

Michael: Okay.

Alex: Hey dad, what're you doing here?

Ben: Hi Alex, this is your mother.

Rousseau: Hey, I've been looking for you for 16 years.

Alex: Weirdo.

Jack: Hey Kate.

Kate: Yeah?

Jack: Pick me or Sawyer.

Kate: Who's Sawyer?

Sawyer: Me.

Kate: Oh, okay. I dunno. Sawyer, I guess.

Sawyer: Thanks, Freckles.

Boone: I'm gonna go die now.

Locke: Yeah, the island would like that.

Garfield minus Jon

LOLsagnaCat

Svedka: Future Marketing for the Past

Did you like the hit sci-fi adaptation I, Robot? Do you like unnecessary and frightening boobs? Then you'll love Svedka, the vodka that will be the top-name in quality alcohol...in 25 years?

Frankly, this baffles me for many reasons:

1. I don't trust robots. I trust an alcoholic robot even less. Robots endorsing vodka means nothing. If this were a robot-motor-oil advertisement, it would make sense. But robots probably will have no need to get drunk in the future, so this is sort of like a jaguar endorsing a Jaguar car: yeah, it looks kinda cool, but it makes no sense and leaves you with a cold, empty feeling that makes you long for death.
   
2. I don't trust robots that are made to look like "sexy women" robots either. Why graft on unnecessary boobs, scientists? Why fake robo-lipstick? Is this the next evolutionary step in RealDolls? If so, man those metal gears and fixtures are gonna chafe. If this reminds anyone of an actual woman, you should probably Google "robo-sinead o' connor" and watch all of your darkest fantasies come to life.
   
3. The slogan. "Voted #1 Vodka of 2033?" Well, no one has voted yet. Trust me, my slip says that they won't even begin to tally the votes until around November 15th, 2033. So, that's invalidated right there. Secondly, 2033? I get they're going for the whole "vodka of the future" thing (which means...regular vodka the same way it has been for hundreds of years, but it will now be consumed by party-hardy robots) going on, but saying its the best in 2033 means nothing to the 2008 alcoholic with taste. "So...in 25 years that vodka will be the best, huh? Welp, time to get me some more of that McCormick's. Seeya in 25 years."

Maybe Svedka's good. Maybe it's amazing. Maybe it cures pink eye. But all I know is that it's awesome so long as you're a robot in the future. Sadly, I am not. Other brands, here I come!

Short'uns

Poor Peers
I've always considered Jean-Claude Van Damme to be a poor man's Arnold Schwarzenegger, just like I've always considered a hobo to be a poor man's economic equal.

Vincent Vegan
I'll become a vegetarian when they start growing steak trees.

The $upreme ¢ourt
If I wanted to file a lawsuit against someone who was really rich and classy, I would file a lawtuxedo instead.

Pie Chart
According to mathematics, π = 3.14159265358979323846...
According to Baker's Square, π = 10.99

Personally, I prefer Baker's Square's answer.

The ABC's of Clothing
T-shirts are just shirts that sort of look like t's, so why aren't pants called upside-down-V-pants?

PC-PC
Boss: E-mail me those numbers by noon, toots.
Secretary: Excuse me, sir, but that's a little sexist.
Boss: Oh, I apologize. E-person me those numbers by noon, whore.

Website Domain Names That Are Taken

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Nutritional Facts

Naming a fruit drink "Hi-C" just because it has a high content of vitamin-C is like naming a bottled water "Nothing."

Elephant-Man: Partner In Heroism and Bravery To Exploding-Man, Defender of Mankind and Other Lesser Creatures

Dear Mankind,


I have heard your cries for help from a masked heroic figure who will brave the darkest alleys, clean up the filthiest dens of sin, and file the most thorough complaints about pot holes to the transportation commissioner. While the world has already been blessed/scorched by the presence of Exploding-Man, the defender of the common and uncommon man alike, the world could use another hero. A hero that picks up where Exploding-Man leaves off. A hero who can help you file your tax return. A hero who drinks his milk every day. A hero like...Elephant-Man.


But while I love defending all of mankind and serving them in the most proficient ways possible, I find that I am often mistaken for a genetically-deformed Englishman of centuries past. I will not fault my publicist nor the press for dubbing me "The Elephant-Man," as I am a half-man, half-elephant hybrid. You all know the famous tale of my origin, wherein my mother was impregnated by a rabid and mutated elephant that had escaped from a mad scientist's laboratory. I was born with the power to use my prehensile trunk as though it were an extra limb, tusks to ensnare my enemies, and a herbovoric nature which leads me to spend 16 hours a day gathering plants to feed myself with. I have always used these many great powers to serve my brothers and fend off harmful types by bellowing or spraying them with water I hold within my trunk. So the name "Elephant-Man" makes sense, given these circumstances.


However, it is very difficult to respond to fan mail when over 75% of my mail consists of letters from medical doctors and researchers, scientists, and Michael Jackson asking to observe me, test me in their experiments, and buy my bones upon my death. I am not deformed in the way you believe me to be deformed, Mankind! I have seen pictures of how you believe me to look, and let me assure you that I would never wear a bag upon my head. That "Elephant-Man" looks nothing like an elephant nor a man! He looks more like "Lumpy-Bag-Man" than "Elephant-Man." Actually, I am insulted he considers himself worthy of the "-Man" title at all, as I can find no evidence of heroics on his part at all! No evidence of defending bystanders from out-of-control automobiles nor elderly ladyfolk from scurrilous vandals nor innocent taxpayers from unjust auditors! I am the true "Elephant-Man!"


Please remember this when you light the "Elephant-Signal" on dark nights, Mankind. When I get there, you had better have some manner of commissioner with you and not a doctor looking to carve apart my insides.


Sincerely,



Elephant-Man

The Many Moods of the Dismembered Head of Jason Lee As It Floats Above Some "Gangsta" Rodents

Original Theatrical Release Poster (November 2007)

Commentary: Jason Lee, playing the patriarchal guardian of these rappin' 'munks, is PISSED. He's giving them the "raised eyebrow" glare. Someone's getting their ass beaten with Jason Lee's belt later tonight, and you can bet your life it's gonna be some disobedient vermin. Also: who is the "trouble" they're referring to? Is it the "gangsta" chipmunks that are just straight chillin' in the center, yo? Doubtful. Probably the pissed-off floating head that is slowing coming into the frame. And he is their guardian and father-figure. Yikes. I'd hate to see what the bad guy looks like in this film. And "They're back and bigger than ever?" They look about normal-sized here. maybe even a little smaller, in reference to the human head near them at least. Unless that's a six-foot tall disembodied head floating above them...in which case, I need to see this movie.

DVD Release Cover (March 2008)

Commentary: AWWWW! I bet Jason Lee plays an exasperated but well-meaning father-figure in this wacky kidz movie. I'm ready to get my "squeak" on, are you?!?!?!

Honestly, this is a more appropriate, if far more dull, cover for this movie. Jason Lee's head is no longer a six-foot tall monstrosity. Either the chipmunks grew double their size or Jason Lee's horrifying and angered cranium shrunk a little and calmed itself down. So much for my hopes for a David Lynch-directed "Alvin and the Chipmunks" movie. By the way, how the hell did this movie not get spelled "Alvin and the Chipmunkz?" Or "Alvin and the Chipmunk$?" Or "HEY KIDS LOOK ANIMALS GIVE US MONEY?"