I have heard your cries for help from a masked heroic figure who will brave the darkest alleys, clean up the filthiest dens of sin, and file the most thorough complaints about pot holes to the transportation commissioner. While the world has already been blessed/scorched by the presence of Exploding-Man, the defender of the common and uncommon man alike, the world could use another hero. A hero that picks up where Exploding-Man leaves off. A hero who can help you file your tax return. A hero who drinks his milk every day. A hero like...Elephant-Man.
But while I love defending all of mankind and serving them in the most proficient ways possible, I find that I am often mistaken for a genetically-deformed Englishman of centuries past. I will not fault my publicist nor the press for dubbing me "The Elephant-Man," as I am a half-man, half-elephant hybrid. You all know the famous tale of my origin, wherein my mother was impregnated by a rabid and mutated elephant that had escaped from a mad scientist's laboratory. I was born with the power to use my prehensile trunk as though it were an extra limb, tusks to ensnare my enemies, and a herbovoric nature which leads me to spend 16 hours a day gathering plants to feed myself with. I have always used these many great powers to serve my brothers and fend off harmful types by bellowing or spraying them with water I hold within my trunk. So the name "Elephant-Man" makes sense, given these circumstances.
However, it is very difficult to respond to fan mail when over 75% of my mail consists of letters from medical doctors and researchers, scientists, and Michael Jackson asking to observe me, test me in their experiments, and buy my bones upon my death. I am not deformed in the way you believe me to be deformed, Mankind! I have seen pictures of how you believe me to look, and let me assure you that I would never wear a bag upon my head. That "Elephant-Man" looks nothing like an elephant nor a man! He looks more like "Lumpy-Bag-Man" than "Elephant-Man." Actually, I am insulted he considers himself worthy of the "-Man" title at all, as I can find no evidence of heroics on his part at all! No evidence of defending bystanders from out-of-control automobiles nor elderly ladyfolk from scurrilous vandals nor innocent taxpayers from unjust auditors! I am the true "Elephant-Man!"
Please remember this when you light the "Elephant-Signal" on dark nights, Mankind. When I get there, you had better have some manner of commissioner with you and not a doctor looking to carve apart my insides.
Sincerely,
Elephant-Man
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