No. It's Quite Literally A Pyramid Scheme.

I'm not sure if you gentlefolk quite understand where I'm coming from here. Why would I announce that I'm trying to rope you into a "pyramid scheme?" If I was trying to get you to go along with me on a traditional "pyramid scheme," wouldn't I try to mask the fact by calling it an "exciting financial venture" or "guaranteed moneymaker?" I think I would. I don't think I'd gather you esteemed members of society to try to trick you all into something so foolish as that. No, no. It's quite literally a pyramid scheme.

Allow me to introduce myself for those of you who arrived tardy. I am Baron von Achsteung III, noted baron and collector extraordinaire. I don't like the term "thief," even though my profession involves quite a bit of thievery.

Who here is familiar with the Great Pyramids of ancient Egypt? These babies are guaranteed moneymakers waiting to explode like volcanoes with riches and gold and promising stock options! What I propose is to sneak into Egypt and stealthily take the Pyramids of Khufu, Khafre, and Menkaure for ourselves! These rotting behemoths of stone are virtually unguarded and ripe for the taking. Their value on the black market is vast, even to the most pessimistic investor. But what we have here, ladies and gentlemen, is quite an exciting financial venture! Are you daring enough to take part in the most lucrative and exotic act of grand larceny known to man?!

You must be asking yourself several questions right now, such as "Where can I sign up?" and "How many mortgages must I take on my many mansions to help fund this righteous endeavor?" and "Aren't those pyramids rather large? Oh hell, I don't care! This idea is brilliant!" Ha ha ha! I admire your enthusiasm, but that last example was only truly half-question! I will, however, put your minds at ease.

You must also be wondering how you could possibly help in such an enterprise, as few of you are experienced in the graceful art of pyramid-theft. Well, that is simple. I have gathered you here today so that you could donate your hard-inherited fortunes to me, and I, Baron von Achsteung III, personally guarantee each and every one of you a 10,000% return on your investments! It will also be your duties to find other prospective investors in this scheme. I will need great sums of money for this to work properly, as I will need to employ several large helicopters and a battalion of armored elephants unlike the world has ever seen. Then these new investors can recruit new members as well, and the money will never stop flowing! You see? That is my pyramid scheme. There are no "steak knives" or mysterious stocks involved here. We have a hard, tangible product. The Great Pyramids of ancient Egypt.

The sign-up sheet is in the back, next to the coffee and complimentary bagels. I'm afraid we're out of cream cheese...hey! You could ask the Steak Knife convention next door if they'd like to join us, in exchange for a hearty investment of some cream cheese, that is.