Confessions of a Secret Agent Man

To Whom It May Concern,

My name is Agent Cody Banks, and I spent the greater portion of my life as a secret agent for the United States of America, and if you are reading this, then I have died. Or you found my Hide-a-Key and opened my car and found this in the glove box. I became privy to a great number of secrets and classified information whilst working for the government, which I had never divulged to anyone or anything or even made mention of while trying to make small talk at parties. But, now that I am dead, I will release every secret I have ever known. Beware, for few eyes are ready for the truths which they will bear witness to today!

Secret #1: President John F. Kennedy was shot by Oliver Stone, who hoped to half-assedly frame Lee Harvey Oswald for the crime and then make the whole incident into a Kevin Costner movie several decades later. Kevin Costner was 8 at the time, but Stone saw great promise in the young lad's abilities.

Secret #2: America actually won Vietnam back in 1963. Oliver Stone (under an assumed name and wearing a fake mustache) led the charge. The ensuing years of the "war," were all faked to provide David Mamet with the idea for Wag the Dog, which followed about 35 years later.

Secret #3: There is no such thing as "the Moon." Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin actually travelled to Heaven to chat with Jesus. The talk was deemed "too gay" for television, and the alternate version (on "the Moon") was filmed and televised.

Secret #4: Richard Nixon was not impeached for his connection to the Watergate scandal. He was impeached for trying to sell America to a superintelligent race of extra-terrestrials from the Outer Rim of the galaxy. Note the scene at the beginning of Independence Day, when the alien spacecraft hovers past "the Moon," and a plaque signed by Richard Nixon shakes. This is symbolic of the aliens finally arriving at Earth to take what was promised to them long ago, although the entire allusion was completely lost on filmgoers.

Secret #5: Gerald Ford wet the bed almost every night. And I'm pretty sure I saw him wearing a baby's bonnet to a meeting with the British ambassador once.

Secret #6: The Matrix was a documentary. You are all just batteries for a giant robot/computer civilization, wherein all humans are in a virtual world which we believe to be reality. Meanwhile, there are a few freedom fighters who have been "freed" from the Matrix and are looking to put an end to the machines. The Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions were just bullshit though. None of that ever happened.

Secret #7: The George Lopez Show is actually a drama series. The constant laughing of the crew and off-stage cast members have led to the belief that it is intended to be a comedy. But no, what you thought was a really crappy comedy is actually an even crappier drama.

Secret #8: Chocolate is actually goat feces. Sorry.

Secret #9: America was conquered by invading Soviet forces in 1987. We didn't know how to break it to the public, so we just haven't told you yet. Hopefully you'll just figure it out on your own eventually.

Secret #10: We've had the cure for cancer for about 40 years, but it's in Spanish or something, and we can't figure out what the hell it says.

Secret #11: The letter U is supposed to precede I in the alphabet, as per presidential orders of Dwight D. Eisenhower in 1954. This change has been largely ignored throughout the continental U.S.

Secret #12: Ya know that song, "Secret Agent Man?" That pretty much sums it up.

Secret #13: Bruce Willis was dead the whole time in The Sixth Sense. Not only that, but in real life as well. He's a method actor I think.

Secret #14: The number one movie of all-time is not Citizen Kane. It's Three Ninjas: Knuckle Up. Everyone who thought it was High Noon at Mega Mountain...you weren't too far off.

Secret #15: Every election ever has been rigged in some way. The winner of the 2008 presidential elections has already been determined. In 2008, the United States will be run by the California Raisins, the first fictional claymation musical group to ever hold the title of "president."

Secret #16: Hope is a good thing...maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies.