James Marsden Will Never Know True Love

Let's face it: in most Hollywood movie love-triangles, someone has to be the loser who walks away with nothing and no one, with the exception of the lower-quality "erotica" films, in which everyone is ultimately the loser, to varying degrees. Even in The Breakfast Club, where there was virtually no hint of any love triangle, everyone hooks up but the nerd. And then they make him write their paper while they make out and canoodle and defy convention and break the stereotypes laid upon them by their cliques! Wouldn't it suck to be the continual loser of love? The one who never got the girl? Yes, like you, good reader. Actually, exactly like you. Not even sure why I asked the question.

Oh yeah, that's right. James Marsden.

Poor, poor James Marsden.

You probably know him as Cyclops, aka the Optic Blast Guy Who Never Really Got To Use His Optic Blasts. He was the tool that kept apart the eternal, half-assedly developed love of Jean Grey and Wolverine. I mean, basically he was a decent guy who worked hard, was responsible, and treated everyone with respect, but he wasn't a renegade badass with claws, so he was automatically doomed to be the loser of that love triangle. Although there was no clear "winner" by the end of the series, being turned into dust by your fiance for no reason is a pretty good sign of being the loser. Also, having audiences hate you and root for the guy with the goofy hair to make out with your fiance must suck.

A movie not a whole lot of people have seen followed, Heights. He gets dumped by his fiance in Heights. But that one's sorta his fault too, so we'll move on.

Let's not forget Superman Returns, as much as we wish we could. In the exciting movie of Superman lifting heavy things and creepily stalking his ex-girlfriend and watching stock footage of Marlon Brando in his laziest performance, James Marsden played the "obviously he is not going to be the winner of this love triangle" role of Lois Lane's replacement boytoy while Superman went flying into space for no reason. I mean, the thing is a Superman movie. He's dating Lois Lane...in a Superman movie. He was done from the getgo. He's even raising Superman's kid! And that kid has the power to throw pianos real fast, which must be troublesome. So basically he's another good guy who has no shot because the deadbeat dad who abandoned his family to search for space rocks wears a cape. Poor, poor James Marsden.

Then comes the crown jewel of James Marsden getting screwed over...everyone's favorite Alzheimer's-related romantic dramedy - The Notebook! James Marsden plays Lon, a lovable rich guy who is rich and has no beard and is not Ryan Gosling hence undeserving of love or even mild consideration. He's never mean, never does anything remotely asshole-ish, other than not being Ryan Gosling. And Rachel McAdams dumps him with no regard to go rain-makin'-out with a guy who looks like a hobo. Luckily, karma helped poor Lon out by giving Rachel McAdams a horrible neurological disease and by turning her hobo-hubby into an elderly James Garner. Ha! Eat that, McAdams.

Many of you may have seen the recently released Enchanted, starring McDreamy and that Junebug chick who was totally married to Ryan from The O.C. except he had a mustache. Know who else it starred? Ah, yes...James Marsden. He was doomed from the outset on this one. Just look at the poster. Amy Adams front and center, flanked by two potential suitors. One is television's McDreamy, whom women everywhere love for some reason, and the other is James Marsden, looking quite foppish. Doesn't take a genius to figure out who is walking away empty-handed this time. Our poor Mr. Marsden plays a purposely one-dimensional character whose sole purpose in life is to be the love of Amy Adams. Then she dumps him for McDreamy. Ouch. Big-time ouch.

Overall, it must really suck to be James Marsden. NOTE: In real life he has a wife and a few kids I think, none of whom have left him for other men...yet.

All Hallow's GREEN Grab Bag

GREEN TIP OF THE DAY! To save water and decrease water waste, shower and go to the bathroom in your neighbor's house. It will make them appear to be much more wasteful of water than they should while you appear to use barely any water at all! By gum, you look as green as a green Prius (I'm not sure why they make them in any other color)! Your new greenness will make your less green neighbor green with envy! Envy-green is not the kind of green you want, just so we're clear. Here are the BAD kinds of green:


- Envy-Green

- Hulk-Green (he's angry and smashes stuff, potentially nature)

- Money-Green (people are greedy and destroy Alaska and other nature places to get more money)

- Tom Green (I don't think nature is cool with some Canadian weirdo sucking on an elephant's penis)

- Green Vegetables (my mom made me eat lima beans once, and they made me hate vegetables - and nature - for a long time)

- Green Animals (a lot of them are poisonous, like snakes and other snakes)

- Gangrene (not sure if it's actually green, but it's bad. My dad had this and his left foot looked gross)

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GREEN TIP! Combat global warming by blasting the air conditioning on high and leaving the freezer door open all day!

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Dear This Site,

I want to be extra green for Halloween this year. I usually spend Halloween egging houses and throwing rocks at little kids and TPing the principal's house and littering for no reason whatsoever and starting tire fires. What can I do to be extra green?

-Green in Greensboro


Dear Green,

For this year's HalloGREEN, why don't you light animals on fire instead of tires? Tire fire smoke contains deadly, non-green toxins, whereas animals are biodegradable! Be safe and enjoy your trick-r-greening!

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Dear This Site,

I initially read your first HalloGREEN article and decided to use green paint in place of water for my bobbing for apples activity at my annual Halloween party. Everyone who partook is now dead, with the exception of my friend Shelley, who is just blind now. How can I turn this blue tragedy into a green miracle?

-Hopeful in Hoboken

Dear Hopeful,

Sorry for your loss, but at least it was in the name of being green, right? Bury all of your deceased partygoers in the woods - their bodies will decompose and supply the soil with rich nutrients! You may want to finish off Shelley as to supply the soil with more and more nutrients, which Mother Earth will thank you greatly for!

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GREEN TIP! Save energy by going to your local hospital and pulling as many plugs out of sockets as possible!

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GREEN TIP! Save paper - and hence, trees - by reusing toilet paper! Don't just flush after a single use, you Republican!

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The Statue of Liberty's green. Coincidence? I think NOT.

Tips For HalloGREEN

We here at this site, This Site, have finally looked up what "going green" means. Turns out, much to our chagrin, that it is not meant to be taken literally. It's more like "nature stuff tends to be green, and we should help nature out once in a while, so let's all be green like nature and stop throwing those styrofoam cups into the river or something."

I guess that makes sense, even though our way would have actually changed the world in a noticeable way. As far as I can tell, the actual way of "going green" will just make smokestacks all swirly. Which, don't get me wrong, would be pretty cool, but not worth all of the effort.


Regardless, people want green, so we're here to give them green.


Our HalloGREEN tip of the day for today is how to make your costume more greener than you could ever imagine it being! And we don't mean how to make it more like the color green, even though that would have made this whole thing way easier. Just go as the Jolly Green Giant. He's cool and healthy.

THIS SITE PRESENTS...

HALLOGREEN COSTUME BONANZA!

What is the most important thing about Halloween? Other than ghosts. And scary movies. And vandalism. And candy. Okay, maybe to you candy is the most important thing, but not to the rest of the world. C'mon man, give us a break here. We're talking about...costumes with rubber masks that are really uncomfortable and usually look awful and smell kinda funny.

GREEN TIP! Those rubber masks that you love to breathe through uncomfortably for five minutes before saying "Screw this" and tearing it off and never putting it on again are apparently not green. We'll call things that aren't green "puce" for simplicity's sake.

Here is a list of potential, green-ready costumes that are awesome and look pretty snazzy which you can choose to don this HalloGREEN:

R2-D2

This year, impress all of your Prius-driving pals with your green-approved R2-D2 costume! Remember that beeping garbage can from those popular space movies? It's him! Beep and boop and be the belle of the ball! Just take a garbage can, throw it over your head, and presto-change-o! Deliver important messages to princesses while beeping at your annoying, effeminate, gold-colored companion!

Chewbacca

"GRRRRRRRRRAHHHHHH!!!" He's big, he's furry, he can rip your arms right off! He's Chewbacca, or "Chewy" to you "space fights" fans out there! You can assemble this easy-to-make and green-friendly costume without polluting one bit! Just find your dog (or a neighbors dog) and cut its head off and prop it on your own! Brown dogs are preferable, but not necessary. Look at you! You're now a fierce Wookiee, ready to do battle with James Earl Jones and other evil folks. For bonus costume accessories, cut off various other parts of the dog's body and glue them to your own!

Human Bee-Hive

This year, why not give our fine, honey-producing friends a hand by offering up your body as a human bee-hive? You will look very cool and frightening to others, but you will also be helping nature! As the thousands upon thousands of bees hover around you and sting you (mildly, hopefully), you will serve as a mobile base for their honey-producing intentions! Plus, you will serve as free advertisement for Jerry Seinfeld's "Bee Movie," coming out November 2nd!

Have A Spooky HalloGREEN

BOO! Ha ha! I'm afraid I must admit that I have spooked you, gentle reader, so you may want to become frightened and howl accordingly! I do so because we here at This Site have realized that the celebration of Halloween is just around the corner. But do you know what else is around the proverbial corner?

Being green!

But what does "being green" mean? All kinds of celebrities, from Jennifer Aniston to Leonardo Dicaprio to Nobel-winning beard-grower Al Gore, seem to really want everyone to "be green." And since celebrities are usually right about these things (remember when Ronald Reagan was a celebrity? He became president! Coincidence?!), I think we should all think about "going green" for Halloween. Why, we could call it -

HALLOGREEN!

To aid you, the still-spooked reader of This Site, in becoming green for Halloween, we will try to figure out what "being green" means and then we will tell you how to be whatever it is that that means.

Today we will explore "being green" if it means literally being green. Which we all really hope it does, because that'd make this really easy for us and we could finally use those buckets of green paint that have been sitting in the basement for the past decade. This one's for you, Mr. Gore!

BECOMING GREEN FOR HALLOWEEN - A HOW-TO-DO-THIS-GUIDE

1. You'd be surprised how easy it is to "go green." And the benefits for you and the rest of the world are priceless! Go get all of the buckets of green paint that have been sitting in the basement for the past decade. If it's still in cans, even better!

2. Ok, now douse everything in sight with the paint. Yes, that's right! The walls, the furniture, the food, even yourself!

3. Run outside and start dousing everything else with the green paint! The sidewalks, the streets, your neighbor's dog, that UPS truck over there, your neighbors...all must go green! You don't have you paint your grass if you take care of it and its already green, but if you're like us, your grass is more the color of dead hay than wonderful green paint. Might wanna get that too.

4. Dump all of the toxic waste you can find into a river - make sure that toxic waste is green though!

5. Eat some chips that have been covered in a green lead-based paint and sit back.

6. Receive Nobel prize and congratulatory call from Ryan Seacrest.

We'll check back with you later with more tips for going green for this year's HalloGREEN once we look up what "going green" actually means!

Me Want Job! - Questions/Answers

We here at This Site! are completely and utterly and fancifully dedicated to getting you, our gentle reader, some form of gainful employment. What follows are typical questions asked of you to answer by some kind of job-person who has lots of checks, some of which could belong to you if you answer his questions right!

Me Want Job! Another Step - Questions and Answers


Q: What is your name?

A: This is your chance to grab your potential employer's (McDonald's) attention from the getgo! Come up with a cool-sounding name or use a last name of a famous celebrity so you could say you're distantly related to them and even met them once!

Examples: Archimedes Raptorskull, Jackson Matterhorn, Stonewall Everest, Jonathon Clooney, Julie Jolie, George Washington IV, Jack Bauer, Spider-Man

Q: What is your middle initial?

A: This is a common area where employers tend to start snoozing. Liven things up! Use some crazy initial, like "Q" or "Z" or "?!" If you really want to show your potential employer how you think outside the box, use a full word or phrase, like "Danger" or "Sex Machine." This shows them that you do not accept limitations and social norms and always go the extra mile. Another point to you, good sir!

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: Don't lollygag on this query! It's easy to coast on this question, but I warn you to heed the temptation. Come up with an inexplicably old birthdate, such as "Oct 31, 90,000 BC" or "The dawn of time," so you will appear to be immortal and have the wisdom and job experience gained by countless eons of existence. Alternatively, you could put bizarrely recent dates, such as "Oct 31, 2005" or "About 5 minutes ago," giving you the appearence of a wunderkind, or Robin Williams in Jack.

Q: Sex/Gender?

A: Assuming it says "sex," write "Yes, Please!" Actually, even if it says "gender," write that. Everyone loves being reminded of the comedic stylings of Mike Myers.

Q: Have you ever been convicted of a felony?

A: Um....HELL YEAH!

Q: If yes, give details.

A: Time to make yourself look like a total renegade badass rebel who has been arrested a bunch of times for all kinds of awesome crimes. This will really set you apart from the masses. Put down stuff like "armed robbery I committed so I would be put in prison with my brother, who was totally set up by an evil conspiracy, so I could break him out to foil that evil conspiracy" or "quadruple homicide (for the same reason)," either of which would be pretty much perfect in every way.

Q: What is your address?

A: "Prison" or "Yo Momma!" will convey what a total hardass you are and why no one should ever mess with you. Employers love hiring hardasses who follow their own rules.

There you go, unemployed internet-goer! You now know all the right answers to all the right questions! That job is as good as yours!

Boardroom Speech Given By CEO of Stay-Puft Marshmallows, Inc. - 1985

Gentlemen,

Dear God! I mean...dear GOD! This is bad. Like, I'm talking reeeeeal bad. Remember that time that kid found a finger in a bag of our marshmallows? That was the golden age compared to what we're up against now. I mean, have you seen the news lately? Did you guys hear about this shit? What the hell happened, people?!

Okay, I don't expect to have anyone in this room own up to it - I doubt its even possible that anyone in this room could be responsible - but I'll ask anyway:

Did any of you authorize the creation of a 100-ft. tall marshmallow creature bearing the copyrighted Stay-Puft Marshmallow logo and bearing a very strong resemblance to our mascot? Huh? Johnson, I think we should cut funding to the "genetic modification" sector. Just in case.

I mean, this has been all over the news for days. It's an absolute PR nightmare, I tell ya! Our mascot attacked New York City. New York City! Where the hell did this thing come from?! And why the hell did it just happen to look EXACTLY like our Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man?!

Johnson, talk to our publicists. See if there's any way they can spin this to make it look like it was Mr. Michellin.

Great. Our brand is now, and probably always will, be viewed with an association with a disaster of epic proportions. Financially to the city of New York, personally to its civilians who lost loved ones in the incident, and philosophically to science - I mean, that thing was alive - and it was composed entirely of marshmallow. No bones, no organs. Creepy. People see us as terrorists and mad-scientists now! We will forever be remembered as the company who was behind a giant monster attacking New York. This could ruin us if we don't handle it right. Remember what happened to "Giant Ape On the Empire State Building Soup-Products" back in the '30s? That could be us!

We make marshmallows, for lord's sake! Marshmallows! They're soft and sugary! How did this happen to us? I mean, we weren't asking for it like "Kamikaze Bomber Cola" back in 1941 was. That was just silly.

And to top it all off, four square blocks of NYC was covered in piping-hot marshmallow goo after the damned thing was unceremoniously blown up. Ya think the guy on the street with third degree burns covering 70% of his body from being doused with exploded-marshmallow is ever going to buy a bag of Stay-Puft marshmallows again? How about the guy who was crushed by the giant sailor hat falling on top of him? Think he has a lot of s'mores planned ahead? I doubt it.

Why the hell did we ever sign that sponsorship contract with Gozer? Who the hell is Gozer anyways, Johnson? A Sumerian god?! What does that even mean?!

Oh well. I just don't wanna end up as the next "Stock Market Crash Corn Starch." Remember them?

Know what we should do? I'm thinking some philanthropy to gain some goodwill with the people of New York City. I saw this amazing painting in Moldavia...Vigo-the-something...anyways, we could donate it to that art museum that the creepy, curly-haired guy runs. This city will love us again yet!

Assuming "Cavemen" Is a Runaway Hit, I Think We Should Consider Making "Australian Anthromorphized Gecko" Into An Hourlong Procedural Drama

Cavemen, people.


People across this nation - the nation of America, ya know- loved the concept of modernized cavemen dealing with a cold, judgmental society in 30-second one-joke snippets. So, obviously, it turned out to be the perfect fodder for the ailing sitcom structure. Will it be the next Seinfeld or Friends? No, don't be ridiculous.


It will be at least ten times as popular and profitable as those shows.


How many cavemen or other strange and hilarious creatures did those shows feature? None (excluding David Schwimmer of course - ZING!). How many does Cavemen feature? Upwards of THREE.


Three, people. Three different cavemen. Wearing modern day clothes. Listening to iPods. Doing things. This is the stuff dreams are made of.


That worked. It worked like a charm blessed by Jesus Christ himself who brought a leprechaun along with him just for the hell of it. So, people, let me ask you this: why have you not yet started production on Australian Anthromorphized Gecko? "AAG" has been around longer than cavemen. Is more recognizable than cavemen. It's name is even closer to "Geico" than cavemen is! DAMMIT, PEOPLE! Let's get moving!


What do Americans - from America - love? Car insurance commercials? Check. Anthromorphized lizards? Check. Funny sounding accents? Check. Hourlong CBS procedural dramas? Double check. Here's a little math equation for your mathies in the audience:


[(Anthromorphized Lizard x Australian Accent + Guaranteed Geico Sponsorship)/Hourlong Procedural Drama On CBS] + cos(Chad Lowe) - Anthony LaPaglia = $UCE$$!!!


The $'s represent "S"'s, people. Think about it.


What're the problems with this? First, the damn gecko is CGI. That could get expensive. Cut the CGI, let's stick Chad Lowe into a giant lizard outfit. Can he do an Australian accent? Make it cockney, no one will notice. He's a detective investigating insurance fraud - see what I did there? Insurance! Get it? - in Seattle. He makes cracks about being a lizard. Comic relief interspersed with the heavy drama. Maybe a crossover episode with the cavemen? Who knows. The future is bright, people!


Anthromorphized Australian Gecko, people. Get working.