All Hallow's GREEN Grab Bag

GREEN TIP OF THE DAY! To save water and decrease water waste, shower and go to the bathroom in your neighbor's house. It will make them appear to be much more wasteful of water than they should while you appear to use barely any water at all! By gum, you look as green as a green Prius (I'm not sure why they make them in any other color)! Your new greenness will make your less green neighbor green with envy! Envy-green is not the kind of green you want, just so we're clear. Here are the BAD kinds of green:


- Envy-Green

- Hulk-Green (he's angry and smashes stuff, potentially nature)

- Money-Green (people are greedy and destroy Alaska and other nature places to get more money)

- Tom Green (I don't think nature is cool with some Canadian weirdo sucking on an elephant's penis)

- Green Vegetables (my mom made me eat lima beans once, and they made me hate vegetables - and nature - for a long time)

- Green Animals (a lot of them are poisonous, like snakes and other snakes)

- Gangrene (not sure if it's actually green, but it's bad. My dad had this and his left foot looked gross)

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GREEN TIP! Combat global warming by blasting the air conditioning on high and leaving the freezer door open all day!

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Dear This Site,

I want to be extra green for Halloween this year. I usually spend Halloween egging houses and throwing rocks at little kids and TPing the principal's house and littering for no reason whatsoever and starting tire fires. What can I do to be extra green?

-Green in Greensboro


Dear Green,

For this year's HalloGREEN, why don't you light animals on fire instead of tires? Tire fire smoke contains deadly, non-green toxins, whereas animals are biodegradable! Be safe and enjoy your trick-r-greening!

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Dear This Site,

I initially read your first HalloGREEN article and decided to use green paint in place of water for my bobbing for apples activity at my annual Halloween party. Everyone who partook is now dead, with the exception of my friend Shelley, who is just blind now. How can I turn this blue tragedy into a green miracle?

-Hopeful in Hoboken

Dear Hopeful,

Sorry for your loss, but at least it was in the name of being green, right? Bury all of your deceased partygoers in the woods - their bodies will decompose and supply the soil with rich nutrients! You may want to finish off Shelley as to supply the soil with more and more nutrients, which Mother Earth will thank you greatly for!

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GREEN TIP! Save energy by going to your local hospital and pulling as many plugs out of sockets as possible!

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GREEN TIP! Save paper - and hence, trees - by reusing toilet paper! Don't just flush after a single use, you Republican!

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The Statue of Liberty's green. Coincidence? I think NOT.