The May Tricks Regurgitated

Aloha, my good-spirited This Syterz! It is your old friend and mysterious roommate, Boris Felding Cupcake, here to spring joy on your unsuspecting minds!

As you all know, I am a technologist. I love technology and science and computers. It was not too long ago that I saw a little technology DVD called The May Tricks that opened my eyes to a lot of stuff and now I know the truth - we all probably live in the May Tricks so that explains those mysterious "agents" that keep following me around and stealing my mouth and shoving worms in my belly button. Of course! What follows are my journal entries as I watched my own eyes get forcefully opened by Laurence Fishburne and his league of cronies.

JULY 21st, 2007

Dear Diary,

Jo Ann came over to my apartment today to help me get rid of that rat who locked himself in my bathroom. I haven't been able to get him to come out even when I left nacho cheese all over that bucket of gasoline I bought to burn him alive with. Needless to say, life is difficult without access to a bathroom. I've been "showering" by rubbing cubes of ice on my body and peeing in the sink. The ice thing is pretty clever, actually: see, I made a soap/water mixture and froze them in the ice tray and so when it melts its melting both soap and water on me. I've thought of copyrighting it but I think water and Dove have already been copyrighted. DAMN.

Anyways, Jo Ann kicked the door in and negotiated with the rat to leave my apartment, and then doublecrossed it and stepped on it. It was real gross, but she just threw it in a trashbag and took it away. Jo Ann says she's tired of me acting like a little girl when it comes to vermin. Oh yeah? Well I'm tired of vermin treating me like a little girl by taunting me and locking me out of my bathroom. I still have no idea how the rat managed to work the lock.

After that fiasco, Jo Ann wanted to just sit back and watch some television. On the FX channel was some movie called "The May Tricks." It sounded like some fanciful, 40's musical, but I watched anyways. HOW WRONG I WAS! It was all about how technology gets too powerful and how we all live in computers and how people in black suits shoot at us but if we get real good at using the tricks - the "May Tricks" - we can exploit the computer and hack it and go in slo-mo. This movie really spoke to me. Jo Ann likes it too, but she got kinda weird when I asked where I could find Morpheus so I could "wake up" and fight the evil future robots. Whatever, Jo Ann is the weird one here, not me.

Love,
Boris F.


JULY 24th, 2007

Dear Diary,

I've been trying to lean back real far like Knee-Yo and go all slo-mo, but it's tough hacking this superadvanced superrealistic supercomputer world that the evil robots have created. I don't know how that guy did it. Maybe it had something to do with bullets.

I also looked all over Walgreen's today for the right pills. NyQuil and DayQuil are almost right, but not quite enough. I took about 12 of each and I fell asleep for two days. I don't think that was it, but I dreamt I was naked at school on a test day. I'm pretty sure that was unrelated to the May Tricks, but who knows? Maybe that's what the computers WANT me to think.

Love,
Boris F.

JULY 28th, 2007

Dear Diary,

Is it because I'm not used to h4x0ring the May Tricks that I can't do any sweet stuff like slow down time or make people in black suits explode into green chunks? I'm pretty good at h4x0ring my old Windows '95 computer, but I'm guessing they're not the same thing.

I need to make a to-do list. Here we go:

1. FIND THE BLUE PILL. NyQuil not it. Maybe Tums???

2. PRACTICE BACKFLIPPING OUT OF SUBWAY TUNNELS - could be VERY important.

3. DO NOT TRUST CYPHER. Pretty self-explanatory.

4. FIND MORPHEUS/LAURENCE FISHBURNE. Alternative to finding pills myself?

5. RUN AROUND TOWN PICKING UP PHONES UNTIL I TELEPORT TO THE MAY TRICKS. Could work, right?

Here's hoping something starts going right for me.

Love,
Boris F.


AUGUST 1st, 2007

Dear Diary,

I just put a bunch of stuff from Kung-Fu sites on a memory card and then I ate the memory card. I know that's not how you're supposed to do it, but I'm afraid of needles and shoving things in my head - doing both would give me an anxiety attack! Thus far I do not feel like I know kung-fu.

However, I did see a black cat today. What's 'deja vu' when you only see it once? 'Deja uno?'

Love,
Boris F.


AUGUST 3rd, 2007

Dear Diary,

I don't get it. No matter what I do, I can't figure out the May Tricks. They won't let me in or they don't want me or something. I pooped out the memory stick today, but it was all grody-looking now, and I still know no kung-fu. I even signed up for a kung-fu class and got my ass handed to me by a 12-year old. WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME, KNEE-YO?!

I spent my last paycheck on a leather trench coat, but that hasn't helped at all either. And I think all of these pills are starting to get to my brain.

LOVE,
Borpheus (THAT IS MY NEW MAY TRICKS NAME!)

AUGUST 5th, 2007

Dear Diary,

This will be my last entry. I am headed for a federal penetentiary or something. I saw a man with a black suit and wearing sunglasses and with an ear-thing walking down the street. Naturally I thought he was an evil "agent" and tried jumping into him so I could make him explode into green chunks. But I failed.

I tried running away and stealing some guy's cell phone, but that attempt was fruitless as well. I was taken into custody for assaulting a federal officer or something. Whatever. The May Tricks finally got me. It's now up to you, Diary, to save humanity from evil robot computer things.

Warmest Sympathies,
Borpheus

HIGH-LARIOUS JOKE OF THE DAY!

Q: What did the two gun-enthusiasts name their newborn child?



A: GUN-THER!

HILARIOUS JOKE OF THE DAY

Q: What do gun-enthusiasts do to relax?

A: THEY SHOOT THE BREEZE!

Chuck Norris Facts: 2008

The internet has turned redhead Texan face-kicker Chuck Norris into some sort of unholy ultra-god redhead Texan face-kicker with so-called "Chuck Norris Facts," which make such outrageous claims that they make lolcats look like National Geographic covers. Luckily This Site has investigated the truth behind the star of such hits as Slaughter in San Francisco and Lone Wolf McQuade.

-Chuck Norris doesn't get mad. He gets generic fruit-snacks from Wal-Mart that taste kinda weird.

-When the boogeyman goes to sleep at night, he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris DVDs, which are all pretty awful except for that episode of Walker: Texas Ranger with Wilford Brimley.

-Chuck Norris's computer has no "Ctrl" button, because it broke off a while ago and he doesn't know who exactly to call to get that fixed. The guy at Radio Shack didn't offer much help.

-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He has insomnia and also The Golden Girls comes on at 1 am and he really likes that show but can't get his TiVo to work so he has to stay up to watch it.

-Chuck Norris almost went by Charlie "Wingding" Hitler as his actor name, but changed it to Chuck Norris upon hearing that there was once a person named Hitler whom people did not like very much.

-Chuck Norris eats Bagel Bites for dinner EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.

-When Chuck Norris was still in his mother's womb, he would kick so hard that his mother would say, "Oh! Honey, come quick, the baby's kicking!"

-When Chuck Norris watches old DVDs of Walker: Texas Ranger he sometimes cries a little because he remembers all of the good friends and fun times he had acting and producing that program.

-Chuck Norris's house has no doors, because it was poorly designed.

-When Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks someone in one of his movies, it is all staged for dramatic effect. Chuck Norris does not even know what a "roundhouse kick" means. Chuck Norris carries a taser around in case he gets mugged like he was some sort of lady person.

-Chuck Norris supports Mike Huckabee's candidacy for President of the United States, although Mike Huckabee has a staunch stance on anti-beard legislation.

-Chuck Norris is secretly in love with Mike Huckabee and rifles through his trash all of the time and collects his hair.

-Chuck Norris dreams of making sweet, gentle love to Mike Huckabee in the back of his van with the song "Tears On My Pillow" playing in the backround.

-Chuck Norris is the world's most frequent downloader of Mike Huckabee pornography, barely surpassing Mrs. Huckabee.

-Chuck Norris once ate a deer, after it had been prepared for him by his personal chef, Marc.

-Superman's only weakness is kryptonite. Chuck Norris's only weakness is chocolate. He can't resist it! Oh, and bullets and sharp things and diseases and the aging process.

-If Chuck Norris says that 1 is not always equal to 1, he is right. Just ask his math professor from high school, who remembered that a young Chuck had brought up the point that 9/9 is technically equal to .9999... (1/9=.1111..., 3/9=.33333...,5/9=.5555555, etc.).

-What would Chuck Norris do for a Klondike Bar? He would give you $1.99. Not a penny more.

-Chuck Norris created his own form of martial arts, Chun Kuk Do, which is primarily intended for elderly women who needed new ways of batting their dogs away from freshly-baked pies cooling off on the windowsill with a newspaper.

Health Inspector's Report: Burger Time Restaurant and Fun Zone

To: Alexander Jumpman, Head of FDA
From: Larry Schwartzfielder, Houston-Area Health Inspector
Re: Burger Time Restaurant and Fun Zone

Mr. Jumpman,

In my 12 years of inspecting restaurants and fun zones throughout the Houston area for their adherence to health code standards, I have never experienced such a baffling and blatant affront to everything we as a civilization stand for. What follows is my log of my inspection of Burger Time Restaurant and Fun Zone, so you may witness the horrors through my eyes and fully understand the immensity of the owner's violation.

12:02 PM

Arrive at restaurant. Only one other car in the parking lot - a rusted, derelict Chevrelot Nova. Appears to not have been driven in some time. All windows are covered in boards. Restaurant sign reads "Burger Tim." It is likely that the "e" has fallen off and maintenance has not yet caught this error. I could also possibly be at the wrong establishment, but that seems doubtful. I have a feeling that this restaurant will come up quite short on my inspection.

Also, building is six stories tall. Strange.

12:05 PM

Horrible stench hits me as I walk inside the restaurant. Smells like rotting eggs, expired hot dogs, and spoiled pickles. No customers in the restaurant - save for one, who appears to be trapped under a large, novelty burger in front of a cash register. He appears to be deceased. Thousands of flies are buzzing around the giant burger, perhaps it is not a novelty. There are footprints across the top of the bun. Not a good omen for this health inspection.

There appears to be no stairs or elevator or any means of reaching the higher floors. I wonder why this building is so tall. No one is manning the cash register. I hear strange screams and crashes coming from the back room. I fear the worst.

12:09 PM

Strange. The only thing on the menu is "GIANT BURGER." More screams, mostly inhuman. Afraid to check behind the door, which should lead to the food preparation area, but I have a duty to fulfill.

12:11 PM

OH DEAR GOD. I have never seen anything like this. This is like something out of The Twilight Zone or Virtual Boy. It's like some dystopian burger joint from a thousand years into the future...

There are a series of levels, all connected by ladders, that have various sections of a hamburger on them, in the order in which they should be placed to construct the perfect hamburger. A rotund chef is hurriedly running across each section, knocking them down level by level, to create four hamburgers at a time. Running across EVERY section of the hamburger? That alone is enough to close this place down. I can't imagine anyone eating here anyways.

Here's the part that really scares me: the chef was being chased by a jiggling anthromorphized hot dog, a frighteningly human-esque fried egg, and a flying, spinning pickle. The horror...the HORROR! I can only assume that the pickle is the manager, with the hot dog and the egg acting as assistant managers, constantly trying to keep the chef on-task by chasing him around this macabre labyrinth. They all too run across the hamburger sections, although they make no attempt to construct a hamburger by knocking a section down. They are all in the nude (so far as I can tell) and do not appear to be particularly clean.

12:15 PM

I yell to the chef if I could ask him a few questions about his bathroom habits. He screams back "FUCK YOU! DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE FREE TIME?!" and tosses some ground pepper towards me as he narrowly averts running into an egg-asst. manager. I notice that the employee restroom has no "All Employees Must Wash Hands Before Returning To Work" sign. Instead, there is a sign reading "How Did You Get In Here? The Pickle Is Right Behind You!" Another strike, Burger Time.

12:20 PM

The chef is still running about, appearing now to be worn out from hours of climbing ladders and running from living food products. He has finished seven burgers since I arrived, although there are no customers waiting. Who is he producing these burgers for?

12:31 PM

I check the temperature of one of the newly-completed burgers. It is roughly room temperature, as it has been lying around in this room for most of the day, if not week. The stench in this room is equally unbearable.

12:35 PM

The chef, cornered in the top-right section of the maze, is holding off his superiors by brandishing a pepper shaker. He appears extremely agitated. I recorded the following dialogue:

ROTUND CHEF: STOP! Stop right there! No more! I am NOT making your goddamn burgers ANYMORE. You do it! YOU MAKE YOUR OWN GODDAMN BURGERS! I been running around with NO rest for three and a half years now.

ME: Sir! Sir! May I please ask you about your utensils?

ROTUND CHEF: NO MORE! NO MORE!

After that, he jumped off of the top story and splattered on the floor. Another violation, but I let it slide in light of the circumstances.

12:41 PM

The ball pit in the "Fun Zone" has traces of syphilis and salmonella in it. Also, there is a dead hot dog person in the tube slide.

END LOG

It is my recommendation that Burger Time Restaurant and Fun Zone be shut down permanently and the property condemned. Be sure to warn any building inspectors going in there to avoid the flying, spinning pickles. They're a bitch.

Hey! Look! This article is on McSweeney's!

The Greatest Laser-Based Diet For Elimination of Unwanted Obesity

Hello, porpoise-like American reader! If you were to lift your many flaps of flab, would you find several discarded burritos which you would then eat and devour like the swarthy swine that you know yourself to be? If you answered, "But of course! I am devouring them as I type with my feet, as my hands are occupied in stuffing the feed into my feed-hole and retrieving excess beans as they spill from the doomed burrito I currently am gorging upon!" then you may need to go on a diet!

And This Site is just the place to teach to the newest, trendiest, most consistently fatal diet on the market today!

Are we referring to Atkins? South Beach? TRADITIONAL EXCERCISE?! I have only two letters to describe the sentiment which is pulsing through my veins right now.

NO.

All of those diets are tiresome and legubrious compared to the stalwart efficiency of the new diet which we shall unleash before your eyes like a blinding light of pure malevolence. Once this diet has taken hold of your spirit, the extraneous heft that rests within you will be sucked away as though it were light trying to escape a black hole. But nothing can escape the overpowering gravity of that superdense theoretical space structure just as nothing can escape this new and wholly unorthodox diet!

You! You gargantuan harlequin! Come hither and wipe the salsa off of the computer screen so that you may continue reading and eliminate your unwanted obesity-cells and become a respectable oil driller/business fellow/delightful nancy-boy for American democracy and freedom alike! You can lose those troublesome kilograms as though they were pocket change that you have lost in your couch, only the kilograms will not be lost in the couch, they will be eliminated from existence altogether so that they may never return to sully your newly-wholesome image!

How? LASERS. Not by "using" them however, oh no! That would be preposterous and not nearly as eye-poppingly expensive as this diet yearns to be! Three point five seven (3.57) times a decaweek (10 day period), you will be sent a baker's dozen (13) of powerful LASERS which you will ingest in place of your usual trough-feed. These LASERS contain no vitamins, no minerals, no nutrients of any kind! NAY! They only contain LASERS!

These LASERS will zap away at your loathed kilos until they run from existence like petulant schoolgirls being chased by a monstrous and hungry Chimera! Bah! Away with those kilos, you need them not! After five point three repeating (5.333...) decaweeks (10 day periods) of eating a baker's dozen (13) of unearthly LASERS (LASERS!), it is our solemn promise and guarantee that you will have lost at least three hundred (300) kilograms of weight and four (4) major organs (appendix not included). Your feeble, overstuffed body will be torn to shreds, for the LASERS know no mercy and cannot differentiate between lard cells and muscle cells. This is truly an egalitarian diet - a diet of the people, for the people, by the LASERS!

ORDER (BUY IT) TODAY!

The Bucket List of Franklin T. American

As everyone knows, America will soon be seeing a weird, head-shaven Jack Nicholson that is 60 ft. tall. Why? Because Rob Reiner is jonesin' to pull at your heartstrings! The plot of the film is two Academy Award winners decide to have a 90-minute montage of doing awesome things that you'll probably never do in your worthless, pathetic, meaningless life. Heart-warming!

The paparazzo and other various inter-journalists here at This Site have gone deep undercover to get the actual bucket lists for This Site founder, Franklin T. American. So, what does this internet legend want to do before he gets killed by a bucket? (or whatever that phrase is)

My Bucket List

by FRANKLIN T. AMERICAN

Now, I don't wanna do all the cliche stuff. Ya know, stuff like "go see pyramids" or "go skydiving" or "reconcile with estranged family members" or "give all of my money to Ron Paul." No no no no no! I got bigger plans than that. Huge plans. Plans that'll make other people's plans look paltry and stupid in comparison.

1. Finally accept that money transfer from that assassinated Colonel's daughter who inherited $15 million dollars in Nigeria. I mean, she went to a lot of trouble and chose ME of all the billions of people on this Earth to help her, and wants to give me a percentage. It's about time I bit the silver bullet and took the gravy train to Easy Street.

2. With my newfound fortune, invest heavily in stem cell research. With whatever funds I have left, invest heavily in voodoo. If anything remains after, give more to the voodoo people.

3. Combine stem cells with voodoo witch doctor know-how. Surely this will cure my incurable illness and grant me immortality. Right?

4. With newfound immortality, take care of all that Darfur stuff. Not sure exactly what needs taking care of, but something must be done! VIVA LE QUEBEC!

5. With newfound Congressional Medal of Honor, hock newfound Congressional Medal of Honor at local pawn shop. Spend the rest of the money on re-building Darfur or repopulating it or whatever they need. Nigeria gave me so so much, it's really the least I can do.

6. Become President of America. Run around naked all day, roll famous literary works into cigars, and appoint the homeless as Supreme Court Justices. YOU THINK YOU CAN STOP THE IMMORTAL FRANKLIN T. AMERICAN, AMERICA?! YOU ARE MISTAKEN! ALL BOW BEFORE ME!

7. Quell the resulting rebellions, riots, and shopping sprees by playing the film Air Force One dubbed in French all day long on every single television channel until America is bored into submission. I CONTROL YOU NOW AMERICA!

8. Force all American civilians into forced servitude and force them to build giant pyramids in my honor and an unstoppable army of robots dressed like ballerinas so that when the army of robots attacks other countries, those countries will be totally embarassed when they lose to ballerina-bots. ALL SHALL FALL UNDER MY RULE!

9. Spend quality time with family.

10. Entomb myself in ceremonial pyramid, once madness and paranoia have overtaken my already overstressed, fragile mind. Bring only loyal servants to spend eternity with me in the bowels of the great structures built on the sweat and blood of slaves. THE SCURGE FRANKLIN T. AMERICAN SHALL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN!

Beyond D.Y.S.T.O.P.I.A.

The year was 2109.

The Supreme Leadership Council of The Government had just ruled a new decree, which was broadcast to the whole world via GovernmentVision during Jorgatootooberg's favorite Government-prescribed program, Government Propoganda.

The new decree was this:

"ALL BOOKS ARE TO BE BURNED AND BANNED! IN THAT ORDER!"

Jorgatootooberg spat out his Mood-Drink beverage, which now contained over 20% more mood-altering chemicals than before. As he cleaned up the puddle which lay on his perfectly smooth, gray floor, he could not look away from the television screen: partially because it had long ago been decreed than all civilians watch each and every second of any Government-prescribed programming, but mostly because this decree seemed particularly important to himself.

Jorgatootooberg was a librarian.

"Man, the boss probably isn't gonna like this," muttered Jorgatootooberg to himself as he tossed the moist paper towel into the trash-incinerator.

As soon as Government Propoganda ended, Jorgatootooberg heard a knock at his door.

"I'm probably not gonna like this."

With a small explosion, the door was demolished. Jorgatootooberg flew backwards and hit against his smooth, gray wall. As he tried to get up while grasping the back of his head, which had taken the brunt of the crash, he heard what every civilian fears:

"THIS IS FACELESS DYSTOPIC SECURITY." Oh crap, thought Jorgatootooberg. "ONE VERNON JORGATOOTOOBERG, CIVILIAN NUMBER 3341623453212359, BY DECREE OF THE SUPREME LEADERSHIP COUNCIL, YOU HAVE BEEN DEEMED OBSOLETE. YOUR TRIAL AND EXECUTION DATE HAVE BEEN SET. YOU WILL APPEAR IN DYSTOPIC JUDGMENT COURT IN EXACTLY ONE HOUR."

"Um, court and execution date?" asked Jorgatootooberg rather sheepishly. "Wouldn't that mean that my guilt is sort of a foregone conclusion? What's the point of a trial if you guys have already determined me to be-"

"YOU MAY SPEAK AND PLEAD YOUR CASE AT THE APPROPRIATE TIME - WHEN IN THE LIQUIDATION CHAIR."

"The liquidation chair?"

Before he could say another word, Jorgatootooberg was hit by about five darts, and passed out for exactly one hour.

When he woke up, dazed and his head still throbbing, Jorgatootooberg found himself strapped into a strange gray, metallic chair. Really, that wasn't very strange, because in the dystopic future of 2109, all chairs were metallic and gray and forced you to be strapped into them in the case of a nuclear explosion or earthquake, both of which happened on a weekly basis. What was truly strange about this particular chair is that there were syringes filled with mysterious chemicals on all sides - all poised to be injected into various parts of Jorgatootooberg.

"Are you Vernon Jorgatootooberg, civilian?" asked a man atop a high podium about twenty feet away from Jorgatootooberg.

"Um, yes. Who are you?"

"I am Judgment Officer Brown and I am asking the questions here!"

"Sorry."

"Are you...a librarian?!"

"Yes. Well, I was, I guess. I mean, that's all illegal now, right?"

"Ah-HA! So you admit to illegal activity and being part of an obsolete profession! DEATH BY LIQUIDATION IT IS!"

"Whoa! Whoa! Hold on a sec, man! I was told my profession was phased out 45 minutes before I was arrested. I haven't even been to work since!"

"Ahhhhh, very clever, Jorgatootooberg. But, as you should know, all new decrees are deemed retroactive, meaning that if they had ever been broken in the past or the future, you are guilty!"

Jorgatootooberg furrowed his brow.

"What the hell are you talking about? And - wait, hold on again. Why are you guys making books illegal?"

"Books can contain ideals and philosophies counterintuitive to the teachings of the Government! They are dens for chaos and thought and not following conformity and paper cuts!"

"Yeah, but they can also contain tons of information. I mean, I got a brother who works in one of the Uranium Mines on Alpha 5 Gamma. He learned how to do his profession via books. If you burn all the books, how will people learn anything?"

"Books have been banned, Mr. Jorgatootooberg. As has 'information' and 'learning.' Ha! It amuses me how you foolishly cling to the past while the future is glaring at you in the eye!"

"The future? You're going to liquidate me or something for no reason."

"Information and learning are capable of cultivating free thought and not taking Mood-Lite pills and reading books and not always screaming and non-conformity! Disgusting things!"

"So...all writing is banned too?"

"ALL WRITING IS BANNED! ALL READING IS BANNED!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

"You are the stupid one, Jorgatootooberg. And you will soon be liquidated for it."

Jorgatootooberg gave pleading looks at the two Faceless Dystopic Security Guards who stood at the base of the extremely large podium. All seemed to be lost, when an idea occured to Jorgatootooberg.

"Um," began Jorgatootooberg. "I'm assuming I'm probably guilty. So could you just read off the charges against me and just tell me how guilty I am?"

"Naturally," replied Judge Brown with a cruel and malicious smile. He picked up the piece of paper that was lying on his desk. "You have been charged with being a librarian - an obsolete profession of no use to the Government, with dealing with books instead of burning them, and with having a ridiculous last name that completely defies conformity. And this court finds you-"

The two Faceless Dystopic Security Guards had climbed up the podium and had thrown handcuffs on Judge Brown.

"What are you two doing? I am a Judge for the Government!"

"YOU HAVE READ SOMETHING IN PLAIN SIGHT OF GOVERNMENT OFFICERS. YOU ARE IN CLEAR VIOLATION OF ANY AND ALL RULINGS AND DECREES OF THE GOVERNMENT AND WILL BE PUT INTO IMMEDIATE LIQUIDATION."

"What?! No! NO! It cannot be!"

His pitiful screams continued as the two guards dragged him into another room, which probably would look exactly like the room Jorgatootooberg was in. But then again, pretty much all rooms in the dystopic future looked exactly the same, so it wouldn't be too big of a deal.

Jorgatootooberg smiled. He had won, sorta. But then he realized that he was trapped inside of the court room, which now had not Judgment Officer to maintain it. No one would find him until a new officer had been appointed.

And the only person who can appoint a new officer? The old one.

"Crap," muttered Jorgatootooberg.