The Bucket List of Franklin T. American

As everyone knows, America will soon be seeing a weird, head-shaven Jack Nicholson that is 60 ft. tall. Why? Because Rob Reiner is jonesin' to pull at your heartstrings! The plot of the film is two Academy Award winners decide to have a 90-minute montage of doing awesome things that you'll probably never do in your worthless, pathetic, meaningless life. Heart-warming!

The paparazzo and other various inter-journalists here at This Site have gone deep undercover to get the actual bucket lists for This Site founder, Franklin T. American. So, what does this internet legend want to do before he gets killed by a bucket? (or whatever that phrase is)

My Bucket List

by FRANKLIN T. AMERICAN

Now, I don't wanna do all the cliche stuff. Ya know, stuff like "go see pyramids" or "go skydiving" or "reconcile with estranged family members" or "give all of my money to Ron Paul." No no no no no! I got bigger plans than that. Huge plans. Plans that'll make other people's plans look paltry and stupid in comparison.

1. Finally accept that money transfer from that assassinated Colonel's daughter who inherited $15 million dollars in Nigeria. I mean, she went to a lot of trouble and chose ME of all the billions of people on this Earth to help her, and wants to give me a percentage. It's about time I bit the silver bullet and took the gravy train to Easy Street.

2. With my newfound fortune, invest heavily in stem cell research. With whatever funds I have left, invest heavily in voodoo. If anything remains after, give more to the voodoo people.

3. Combine stem cells with voodoo witch doctor know-how. Surely this will cure my incurable illness and grant me immortality. Right?

4. With newfound immortality, take care of all that Darfur stuff. Not sure exactly what needs taking care of, but something must be done! VIVA LE QUEBEC!

5. With newfound Congressional Medal of Honor, hock newfound Congressional Medal of Honor at local pawn shop. Spend the rest of the money on re-building Darfur or repopulating it or whatever they need. Nigeria gave me so so much, it's really the least I can do.

6. Become President of America. Run around naked all day, roll famous literary works into cigars, and appoint the homeless as Supreme Court Justices. YOU THINK YOU CAN STOP THE IMMORTAL FRANKLIN T. AMERICAN, AMERICA?! YOU ARE MISTAKEN! ALL BOW BEFORE ME!

7. Quell the resulting rebellions, riots, and shopping sprees by playing the film Air Force One dubbed in French all day long on every single television channel until America is bored into submission. I CONTROL YOU NOW AMERICA!

8. Force all American civilians into forced servitude and force them to build giant pyramids in my honor and an unstoppable army of robots dressed like ballerinas so that when the army of robots attacks other countries, those countries will be totally embarassed when they lose to ballerina-bots. ALL SHALL FALL UNDER MY RULE!

9. Spend quality time with family.

10. Entomb myself in ceremonial pyramid, once madness and paranoia have overtaken my already overstressed, fragile mind. Bring only loyal servants to spend eternity with me in the bowels of the great structures built on the sweat and blood of slaves. THE SCURGE FRANKLIN T. AMERICAN SHALL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN!