Chuck Norris Facts: 2008

The internet has turned redhead Texan face-kicker Chuck Norris into some sort of unholy ultra-god redhead Texan face-kicker with so-called "Chuck Norris Facts," which make such outrageous claims that they make lolcats look like National Geographic covers. Luckily This Site has investigated the truth behind the star of such hits as Slaughter in San Francisco and Lone Wolf McQuade.

-Chuck Norris doesn't get mad. He gets generic fruit-snacks from Wal-Mart that taste kinda weird.

-When the boogeyman goes to sleep at night, he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris DVDs, which are all pretty awful except for that episode of Walker: Texas Ranger with Wilford Brimley.

-Chuck Norris's computer has no "Ctrl" button, because it broke off a while ago and he doesn't know who exactly to call to get that fixed. The guy at Radio Shack didn't offer much help.

-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He has insomnia and also The Golden Girls comes on at 1 am and he really likes that show but can't get his TiVo to work so he has to stay up to watch it.

-Chuck Norris almost went by Charlie "Wingding" Hitler as his actor name, but changed it to Chuck Norris upon hearing that there was once a person named Hitler whom people did not like very much.

-Chuck Norris eats Bagel Bites for dinner EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.

-When Chuck Norris was still in his mother's womb, he would kick so hard that his mother would say, "Oh! Honey, come quick, the baby's kicking!"

-When Chuck Norris watches old DVDs of Walker: Texas Ranger he sometimes cries a little because he remembers all of the good friends and fun times he had acting and producing that program.

-Chuck Norris's house has no doors, because it was poorly designed.

-When Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks someone in one of his movies, it is all staged for dramatic effect. Chuck Norris does not even know what a "roundhouse kick" means. Chuck Norris carries a taser around in case he gets mugged like he was some sort of lady person.

-Chuck Norris supports Mike Huckabee's candidacy for President of the United States, although Mike Huckabee has a staunch stance on anti-beard legislation.

-Chuck Norris is secretly in love with Mike Huckabee and rifles through his trash all of the time and collects his hair.

-Chuck Norris dreams of making sweet, gentle love to Mike Huckabee in the back of his van with the song "Tears On My Pillow" playing in the backround.

-Chuck Norris is the world's most frequent downloader of Mike Huckabee pornography, barely surpassing Mrs. Huckabee.

-Chuck Norris once ate a deer, after it had been prepared for him by his personal chef, Marc.

-Superman's only weakness is kryptonite. Chuck Norris's only weakness is chocolate. He can't resist it! Oh, and bullets and sharp things and diseases and the aging process.

-If Chuck Norris says that 1 is not always equal to 1, he is right. Just ask his math professor from high school, who remembered that a young Chuck had brought up the point that 9/9 is technically equal to .9999... (1/9=.1111..., 3/9=.33333...,5/9=.5555555, etc.).

-What would Chuck Norris do for a Klondike Bar? He would give you $1.99. Not a penny more.

-Chuck Norris created his own form of martial arts, Chun Kuk Do, which is primarily intended for elderly women who needed new ways of batting their dogs away from freshly-baked pies cooling off on the windowsill with a newspaper.