The May Tricks Regurgitated

Aloha, my good-spirited This Syterz! It is your old friend and mysterious roommate, Boris Felding Cupcake, here to spring joy on your unsuspecting minds!

As you all know, I am a technologist. I love technology and science and computers. It was not too long ago that I saw a little technology DVD called The May Tricks that opened my eyes to a lot of stuff and now I know the truth - we all probably live in the May Tricks so that explains those mysterious "agents" that keep following me around and stealing my mouth and shoving worms in my belly button. Of course! What follows are my journal entries as I watched my own eyes get forcefully opened by Laurence Fishburne and his league of cronies.

JULY 21st, 2007

Dear Diary,

Jo Ann came over to my apartment today to help me get rid of that rat who locked himself in my bathroom. I haven't been able to get him to come out even when I left nacho cheese all over that bucket of gasoline I bought to burn him alive with. Needless to say, life is difficult without access to a bathroom. I've been "showering" by rubbing cubes of ice on my body and peeing in the sink. The ice thing is pretty clever, actually: see, I made a soap/water mixture and froze them in the ice tray and so when it melts its melting both soap and water on me. I've thought of copyrighting it but I think water and Dove have already been copyrighted. DAMN.

Anyways, Jo Ann kicked the door in and negotiated with the rat to leave my apartment, and then doublecrossed it and stepped on it. It was real gross, but she just threw it in a trashbag and took it away. Jo Ann says she's tired of me acting like a little girl when it comes to vermin. Oh yeah? Well I'm tired of vermin treating me like a little girl by taunting me and locking me out of my bathroom. I still have no idea how the rat managed to work the lock.

After that fiasco, Jo Ann wanted to just sit back and watch some television. On the FX channel was some movie called "The May Tricks." It sounded like some fanciful, 40's musical, but I watched anyways. HOW WRONG I WAS! It was all about how technology gets too powerful and how we all live in computers and how people in black suits shoot at us but if we get real good at using the tricks - the "May Tricks" - we can exploit the computer and hack it and go in slo-mo. This movie really spoke to me. Jo Ann likes it too, but she got kinda weird when I asked where I could find Morpheus so I could "wake up" and fight the evil future robots. Whatever, Jo Ann is the weird one here, not me.

Love,
Boris F.


JULY 24th, 2007

Dear Diary,

I've been trying to lean back real far like Knee-Yo and go all slo-mo, but it's tough hacking this superadvanced superrealistic supercomputer world that the evil robots have created. I don't know how that guy did it. Maybe it had something to do with bullets.

I also looked all over Walgreen's today for the right pills. NyQuil and DayQuil are almost right, but not quite enough. I took about 12 of each and I fell asleep for two days. I don't think that was it, but I dreamt I was naked at school on a test day. I'm pretty sure that was unrelated to the May Tricks, but who knows? Maybe that's what the computers WANT me to think.

Love,
Boris F.

JULY 28th, 2007

Dear Diary,

Is it because I'm not used to h4x0ring the May Tricks that I can't do any sweet stuff like slow down time or make people in black suits explode into green chunks? I'm pretty good at h4x0ring my old Windows '95 computer, but I'm guessing they're not the same thing.

I need to make a to-do list. Here we go:

1. FIND THE BLUE PILL. NyQuil not it. Maybe Tums???

2. PRACTICE BACKFLIPPING OUT OF SUBWAY TUNNELS - could be VERY important.

3. DO NOT TRUST CYPHER. Pretty self-explanatory.

4. FIND MORPHEUS/LAURENCE FISHBURNE. Alternative to finding pills myself?

5. RUN AROUND TOWN PICKING UP PHONES UNTIL I TELEPORT TO THE MAY TRICKS. Could work, right?

Here's hoping something starts going right for me.

Love,
Boris F.


AUGUST 1st, 2007

Dear Diary,

I just put a bunch of stuff from Kung-Fu sites on a memory card and then I ate the memory card. I know that's not how you're supposed to do it, but I'm afraid of needles and shoving things in my head - doing both would give me an anxiety attack! Thus far I do not feel like I know kung-fu.

However, I did see a black cat today. What's 'deja vu' when you only see it once? 'Deja uno?'

Love,
Boris F.


AUGUST 3rd, 2007

Dear Diary,

I don't get it. No matter what I do, I can't figure out the May Tricks. They won't let me in or they don't want me or something. I pooped out the memory stick today, but it was all grody-looking now, and I still know no kung-fu. I even signed up for a kung-fu class and got my ass handed to me by a 12-year old. WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME, KNEE-YO?!

I spent my last paycheck on a leather trench coat, but that hasn't helped at all either. And I think all of these pills are starting to get to my brain.

LOVE,
Borpheus (THAT IS MY NEW MAY TRICKS NAME!)

AUGUST 5th, 2007

Dear Diary,

This will be my last entry. I am headed for a federal penetentiary or something. I saw a man with a black suit and wearing sunglasses and with an ear-thing walking down the street. Naturally I thought he was an evil "agent" and tried jumping into him so I could make him explode into green chunks. But I failed.

I tried running away and stealing some guy's cell phone, but that attempt was fruitless as well. I was taken into custody for assaulting a federal officer or something. Whatever. The May Tricks finally got me. It's now up to you, Diary, to save humanity from evil robot computer things.

Warmest Sympathies,
Borpheus