"Freddie, whatchu doin' out thar at this hour?"
Fred Massachusetts placed his jug of moonshine on the floor of the porch as gently as anyone could who had just had four gulps of moonshine.
"I done toldja to call me Fred, not Freddie."
Joanna Massachusetts stared daggers into her husband.
"You ain't gonna try 'n shoot at the cows ag'in, are ya?"
"No'm," replied Fred, his head wobbling like it was just barely floating above his neck.
"Ya best not. Ye spooked the hell outta the hens last time 'n they wouldn't shut up fer hours."
Fred stared at his wife, who looked very blurry to him all of a sudden, as she stood in the doorway with her curlers in her hair and her ratty, old light blue nightgown keeping her covered up. Eventaully, Fred began to process what Joanna had said, and burped, "Mmhmm..."
Joanna sighed and threw her hands in the air as she traipsed back to the bedroom.
"Yer a drunken louse, Freddie!" she cried from further inside the house.
"Don't call me Freddie, woman," mumbled Fred to himself.
The moonshine was beginning to hit Fred something awful. He knew he had swigged enough for the night, and he sat solitary on his rocking chair that night. The porch overlooked the barn to his right and the cornfield to his left. Above him was a clear summer night's sky, full of blurry starlight, and below him was a crusty wooden porch, which was spinning more than it usually did.
He would not be heading for the bedroom for at least another hour. Fred's shotgun was beneath his chair, and he suspected he might need it that night. Just a feeling he had. He had heard rumors last he went into town about cattle rustlers who would come in the night and screw 'round with the cows. Then the milk would be sour and Fred wouldn't be able to afford any more decorative lawn jockeys that month. Fred certainly wasn't ready to let that happen.
"Come 'n git it, teen-agers," mumbled Fred to the night. "I ain't a-skeer'd of ye."
Suddenly, the night sky lit up with a bright light shooting across it. Fred practically fell out of his chair; he was so astounded by the sudden and inexplicable light in his once clear sky, he called out to his wife.
"Martha, I just seen somethin'!" Fred yelled towards the doorway.
"You ain't seen nothin', ya drunken, worthless, homely shit-fer-brains!" yelled back Joanna from the bedroom.
Fred turned back to the sky, but saw nothing now. What the hell was that? Some kind of meteor, he figured. Teenagers weren't clever enough to create some sort of light beam device to scare his cows, he was sure of it. Maybe firecrackers, but not whatever the hell
that was.
One more swig of moonshine wouldn't hurt, figured Fred. He grabbed the jug and took another gulp. To steady his nerves, he told himself. It burned all the way down his throat, but it calmed him a great deal. But when he opened his eyes again, he saw something even stranger than the light.
It was a little ball, hovering in the sky. It seemed to be a white light, but it was clearly not a star. It couldn't have been more than a hundred feet or so from the ground. Fred's mouth dropped when he saw this.
"Teen-agers ain't gon' git away with thissun," Fred told himself, still incredulous.
Suddenly, the light disappeared. Fred shook his head and rubbed his eyes. Must've been the moonshine, he told himself. Just moonshine, nothing else. He began to rock on his chair, nervously at first, but more calmly the more time passed without further event.
Then, without warning, Fred saw a blue light emanating from his cornfield. It was faint at first, but then it grew in strength as it seemed to come closer and closer. It was coming towards him. With his hand trembling and his head wobbling, he reached for his shotgun. He pointed it towards the light, waiting for its source to reveal itself.
"Gurddamn, glowin' teen-agers..." Fred put his finger on the trigger and readied himself. "Ain't no one but me scurrin' them cows tuh-night."
The light stopped right before emerging from the dense field. Fred bit his lip in anticipation. Were those teenagers using some kind of new, modern lantern? It couldn't have been a car, because there was virtually no noise coming from the source of the light, save for a low hum.
Then a little man came out of the cornfield. But it wasn't a teenager. No. It was an...
"Alien!" screamed Fred, who began shooting wildly towards the little glowing man.
Even with the shotgun blasts coming in its vicinity, the little, glowing man stood perfectly still. It was two feet tall, had a round little body, stubby legs, grotesquely long arms, a large triangular head, and two tiny black eyes spaced widely apart. It also had a strange smile.
"MARTHA! ALIENS! ALIENS!" yelled Fred into the house.
But Joanna didn't say anything. And when Fred turned back towards the little man, he was gone.
Fred haphazardly reloaded his shotgun, his hands shaking violently. His head darted back and forth, looking for the glowing man who had come out of his cornfield. He jumped to his feet and look around the yard, when all of a sudden he heard the cows start to moo.
"Damn! Teen-ager aliens, tryin' to a-skeer mah cattle!" shouted Fred as he stumbled towards the barn.
When he opened the barn door, he saw the same little glowing man, ramming itself into his prize cow, Tess, repeatedly. It didn't seem to be doing any damage to the cow, but had certainly upset it.
"Ye best be leavin' Tess alone, ye teen-aged alien!" yelled Fred at the little man, who stopped dead in its tracks when it heard Fred's voice.
The little man put its arms in the air and began running in circles, emitting a high-pitched buzzing noise.
"Nah stop that, alien!" yelled Fred, who shot at it several times with his shotgun.
But the bullets did not seem to affect the little man at all, and when Fred turned downward to reload, disappeared.
"Gurdamn disappearin' alien visitors," said Fred to himself.
Assuming the incident was over, Fred shut the barn door and decided to head back to bed. He saw no sign of the little glowing man outside, so put his shotgun back in the closet and headed into the bedroom. He slipped off his trousers and slid into the bed, relieved that the night was over and he would be able to rest. He feared the headache he would wake up with due to the moonshine, but it was an inevitability he knew would come the second he began drinking it.
"Surry fer the ruckus, Martha," mumbled Fred as he leaned in to kiss his wife good night. "Just summa thum dee-ranged alien teen-agers, tryin' to rustle up Tess."
Joanna was covered by the comforter, and when Fred took it off to give his wife a kiss, a bright glow began emanating from their bed. Joanna was no longer there! In her place was the little glowing man, who had her hair curlers and her light blue nightgown on. It turned to Fred and yelled, in a high-pitched squeal:
"FREHH-DEE!"
Fred burped and wiped his mouth of the bit of drool that had formed near his bottom lip. He then kissed the little glowing man and rolled back to his side of the bed.
"I done toldja not to call me Freddie," he said as he fell asleep.
Commentary: AWWWW! I bet Jason Lee plays an exasperated but well-meaning father-figure in this wacky kidz movie. I'm ready to get my "squeak" on, are you?!?!?! 
