Let Slip the Pogs of War!

It hit me the other day that This Site had never run a story dealing with the international phenomenon of pogs, despite the fact that the term "pog-mania" lies hidden in our URL address (as well as my home address, strangely). It should be noted that we begrudgingly were forced to take that URL address when we discovered www.cnn.com had already been taken. Sigh. It's a dog eat dog world on the internet...or should I say, a pog eat pog world?

No, I probably shouldn't say that.

We at This Site had come across a secret, underground tournament several years ago. One of the highest stakes. This isn't your run-of-the-mill Tokyo Drift tournament on the streets of Tokyo or that secret, underground poker room run by Oreo-loving John Malkovich. This is a Pog-related tournament. Only the best of the best dare wait for the ancient, secret ninja ship to arrive at a secret port to take them to the most secretest of locations: Secret Pog Island, which is shaped like a giant pog. Or, in non-pog-user terms, a "circle."

The chronicles of what transpired at the most recent tournament, held once every thousand years (or, at least, the board members claim it WILL be, but the Pog has only been around for about 15 years, so it's hard to say), was pieced together from diary entries, eyewitness reports, and ESPN's live coverage. For the first time ever, the public will be made aware of the secret, underground pog tournament of Secret Pog Island. Today we will go over the first three entrants of the tournament.


PROFILE P42X667
Name: Francis "HAMMA SLAMMA" Kingston
DOB: 8/14/76
Weapon of Choice: Hammer-shaped Slammer
Favorite Pog: One that has the Green Ranger on it, and he's playing that song with his dagger that summons the Dragon Zord!
Favorite Food: Junior Mints

Background: Francis comes from humble beginnings, growing up on the mean streets of Tehran, using his natural aptitude for "pogging" to keep he and his younger brother, Richie, fed. He crafted his own powerful slammer during his apprenticeship with the local ironsmith. Forged from the blade Excalibur, the "hammer slammer" is feared for its strength and confusing shape. Tragedy struck young Francis three years ago, when he introduced Richie to the dangerous world of pogging. Playing in backalleys and secret dungeons, Richie got in over his head and owed a substantial debt to Fabbio "Juicy Fruit" Brucio, notorious mob boss in control of Tehran's streets. When he could not pay Brucio the latest payment, Brucio ordered Richie be slammed...in front of Francis, no less. Seeing his brother slammed in such a horrific manner is an image that Francis will never forget, and something he will carry with him for the rest of his life. He is determined to become the greatest pogger in the world, as a loving tribute to his fallen kin. He also wishes vengeance on Brucio, but realizes he would be dishonoring his younger brother by repeating his mistake. He'll probably never even get the chance to personally fight Brucio in the game that took his brother's life and which he happens to also be a master at.

PROFILE UK2561PP
Name: Fabbio "JUICY FRUIT" Brucio
DOB: 1/11/39
Weapon of Choice: .44 Magnum (he uses it at his slammer, but it's actually just a gun)
Favorite Pog: "Pogs? Are those the goddamn circles of cardboard all the dumbshit kids are playing? Those things are retarded." - Fabbio Brucio. He refused to divulge if he even owned any pogs.
Favorite Food: Rigatoni

Background: Fabbio "Juicy Fruit" Brucio was born to Maria and Ribio Brucio, two Italian stereotypes, in Sicily. His mother Maria loved to cook big Italian dinners and ran a very strict household. His father Ribio was a stern but loving olive farmer who would say "Whatsamattawitchu?" and "Fuggedaboudit!" all the time. Fabbio came to New York, took out a bank loan, and founded the Queens branch of the Italian Mafia. He blackmailed the President of the United States, (we have decided not to use names to protect those mentioned), into giving his organization "tax exempt status" and recognition as an official organized religion. He was introduced to pogs after he found one of his sons playing the game, and discovered that it was a good way to get kids involved with the mafia at an early age. He also shoots cans for fun.

PROFILE B00T3LV5
Name: Kano "KANO" Kano
DOB: Unknown
Weapon of Choice: Eye of the Slammer
Favorite Pog: It's like, an eyeball. It has the iris and the cornea and all that shit. It looks really realistic too. It's so sweet.
Favorite Food: Pumpkin Pie

Background: Little is known about Kano, but rumors of his origins persist. Is he a cowardly minion? Blackface performer from the 20's? Orthodontist with a hidden past? Contestant on Global Guts? Maybe he is some of these things, but more likely he is all of these things and more. He lost an eye after a particularly unruly pog match in Alcatraz Detention Facility, wherein an illegal slammer was used and the resulting ricochet took his right eye. He now plays to torment others as he has been tormented, and also because he heard that the winner of the secret, underground pog tournament got a $25 gift certificate to the local Bennigan's restaurant. And they make a mean loaded potato soup. His Eye of the Slammer is a world-renowned slammer, for it contains the remnants of his lost eye and is still sorta squishy. A mad scientist placed a metal plate over Kano's lost eye, and in turn has given Kano the impression that he is a freak and has therefore become quite mad himself. Mad with ambition, that is.