Me Want Job! Step 3: The Resume

Heya, buddy! What's the word at the watercooler? Oh, you don't know because you're not allowed near the watercooler anymore after "the incident?" Also because you don't work at that building and had been sneaking in to urinate into the watercooler? Oh, I guess that's what "the incident" is, huh? Yeah, I guess I should have figured. Well, what if you COULD get a job at that particular building? Then you could urinate and everyone would suspect that OTHER hobo. Sound too good to be true? It's not.

We here at This Site think that you are a great worker and would be a great asset to whatever fast food chain you want to apply for a part time position at! And at best a below-average worker at any non-fast food chain to want to apply for a position at! And we want to help you reach desperately for your pipe dreams. Previously, we've helped you write a moving and enthralling cover sheet and produce a fantastic and life-altering headshot. But time to resume with our task with...your resume (reh-zu-may!).

STEP 3: GRENADE! EVERYBODY RUN! - The Guide to the Perfect Rehzumay

Okay, here it is. The meat and potatoes. The heart. The Jerry O'Connell of your "Crossing Jordan." The resume! Here is where you truly have the chance to prove yourself and display how much customer service skill you gained in your two month tenure at Taco Bell. Here is an example that will teach you the ways of the job-getting. Make sure to just copy-and-paste everything and then give this to the job-people at McDonald's. Using your brain to change things would only lead to failure and regret.

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FRANKLIN T. AMERICAN

191 Meth Street
Bridgman, MI 90210
Telephone: 911 (I've murdered the woman who used to sit at this desk and have been taking personal calls ever since. The guy next to me have been asking me a lot of questions, such as "Who are you?" and "Where is Susan?" and "Why do you have blood all over your shirt?" so you had better hurry!)
E-mail: 911@internet.net

JOB OBJECTIVE

Senior Assistant Manager, Drive Thru

EDUCATION

Enrico Colantoni Junior High School
Totally aced my gym class.

University of Educationalness
August 2001 - May 2000
Overall GPA: 10.9

WORK EXPERIENCE

Speedway Corp.
February 2002 - Present

• Siphoned gas for personal usage


• Took abandoned coffee cups and refilled them when clerks were not watching


• Used public bathroom facilities on numerous occasions

Meijer Corp.

June 2004-June 2004

• Slept in the furniture department a few times


• Ate cereal out of the boxes and then pushed them to the back


• Made friends with some of the hamsters

HONORS AND ACTIVITIES

None.

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