Me Want Job! Step 2: The Headshot

Stop eating out of that trashcan, my good sir! Do you think you'll find your dreamiest of dreams in there? Do you think you'll find financial success amongst the trash and scraps of food? Do you think you'll find job recommendations that will shoot you up the corporate ladder faster than you can say "HELP ME! I HAVE BEEN SHOT OUT OF A CANNON!"? Probably not. In fact, I'd say the odds are slightly worse than 0%. ZERO. Think about it, neighbor.

We here at This Site can help you! We're here to provide you with the right equipment to perform the complicated process of birthing your new life of employment. Yesterday, we gave you the cover sheet (your scalpel), and today, we give you your headshot (your headshot).

STEP 2: HEADS UP! INCOMING FIRE! - The Guide to Getting the Perfect Headshot

Let's start with an example:

Man, that John Wilkes Booth had one great headshot. I mean, he pretty much defined headshot with this. Look at the thoughtful pose and the wild yet refined mustache. The classy-yet-not-flamboyant ascot. The scruffy yet composed hair. Perfection.*

Now, traditionally headshots have only been quid pro quo for "actors" and "models," but the fast-paced business world is changing. Looks count, people! Would you really want an ugly person doing your taxes or serving you food? What if they got some of their ugliness germs on your food and you ate it and then became ugly?! The business world is not ready to let that happen to consumers, so it's time to find yourself a great headshot to display your unique good looks.

You must find a photographer who can take pictures, or paint real fast. Make sure he has a good camera, like the FunTime Kodak Disposables. Then paint yourself black, white, and gray and everything around you those colors as well. Although color was discovered around 1955 and everything became bright and technicolor in the world, the headshot was perfected with John Wilkes Booth back in 1889, when God still had the world in a dismal black-and-white. That became the standard, so now actors go to many paint stores to secure themselves the finest headshots possible. You can too! The result will look a little something like this:

* - This is what we here at This Site consider to be subtle humor at its finest. But we're not being facetious truly, because that man did take one hell of a nice headshot.