Surviving the Zompocalypse: Old People vs. Zombies

The zombie apocalypse has been a long time coming. Where will you stand when the battle lines are drawn? Probably on the side of the living, unless you're really into eating brains, which you might be. Hell, far as I know, they're the most delicious thing ever. But I'm old-fashioned, so I'm pro-living, not pro-undead.

But when the lines are drawn, confusion sets in. How does a combatant on the side of not-zombies tell the difference between the two most mistaken species in the universe: old people and zombies? Here's a guide that should help.

SIMILARITIES:

-Both old people and zombies have terrible skin. Skin texture and wrinkliness is not something that you can use to define.

-Both old people and zombies have no will to live, and would probably ask you to smash their heads if they had the ability to speak.

-Both old people and zombies feast on the brains of humans. Zombies feast on them for unknown reasons. Old people, however, feast on them because of their fluffy, flan-esque texture. And to extract the knowledge accumulated in the brain for their own diabolical purposes.

-The eldery and the undead both share a hobbling movement. Zombies will rarely, if ever, been seen in wheelchairs, however. But they always take the handicapped spot at the local grocery store, because they're bastards.

DIFFERENCES:

-Old people live in retirement homes and city dumps. Zombies live in your worst nightmares and malls.

-Old people will only bite you if you are covered in molasses, or another sticky and sugary substance. Zombies will only bite you if they can see you, much like the T-Rex in "Jurassic Park."

-If you are bitten by a zombie, you will transform into a zombie within minutes. However, if you are bitten by an old person, you will just be really grossed out and confused. EDIT: However, you WILL eventually transform into an old person.....eventually.

Well, that's all well and good, when the zombie Armageddon strikes and all. But what if Grandpa Stu turns into a zombie? What do I do then, Captain Expert McKnowitall Esquire?!

ANSWER! Take out his dentures! The old person/zombie hybrid cannot bite you in this case, but only humorously gum at your wrists! Oh, Grandpa, when will you learn? You silly old old person! Take some Xanax and die, please, like all of the other old people.