Who Let the Pogs Out?

Yesterday we here at This Site published the first ever account of the secret, underground Pog tournament held on Secret Pog Island (which is located in the greater Atlanta area) and introduced you to three of the six competitors at this millenium's tournament: Francis "HAMMA SLAMMA" Kingston, Fabbio "JUICY FRUIT" Brucio, and Kano "KANO" Kano. Today we will give you the low-down scoop on the final three contestants at this year's sure-to-be-legendary (by "legendary" we mean "CBS-movie-of-the-week worthy material") tournament. Be wary, for the gritty details of this Pog tournament are not for the weak-hearted. The following contains graphic violence, high fructose corn syrup, nudity, fun activities, and heavy drug usage. Parental guidance is advised.

PROFILE XBXBX90210

Name: River "QUOTATION MARKS" Bonanza
DOB: 10/15/85
Weapon of Choice: "The Friz-B." Extremely large slammer, approximately 1 ft. in diameter.
Favorite Pog: Pog with Wolverine on it. Watch out, Bubs!
Favorite Food: Coke Zero Slushie

Background: River Bonanza is the stuff Pog legends are made of. Rumored to have been born in 1885, River Bonanza has a handlebar mustache that even the most elitist of handlebar mustache enthusiasts would dub "more than satisfactory by my own very high handlebar mustache standards." While this has nothing to do with his supposed time-travel, it is his most distinguishing feature, aside from the fact that he has four arms. This gives him the unique ability to wield a larger-than-life mega-slammer, once thought to have gone extinct years ago. His mega-slammer, "The Friz-B," measures over a foot in diameter, and is rumored to have been poached from deep within the Amazon rainforest. A slam from "The Friz-B" has recorded a 4.2 on the Richter scale. River hopes to make some connections at the tournament and hopefully secure himself a job in a middle management positon at an accounting firm. Or maybe just to find a ride home, 'cuz even with four thumbs, most drivers have been very reluctant to allow him to hitchhike with them.

PROFILE QP55378008

Name: Slugger "JONATHON" Lucky
DOB: 1/1/90
Weapon of Choice: One of those plain, regular, plastic slammers.
Favorite Pog: The one without any label or anything. It's just like a circle of cardboard.
Favorite Food: Crazy Glue

Background: Slugger "Jonathon" Lucky doesn't really like pogs all that much. But his mom keeps making him play it because she's always nagging him to go out and play with the other kids. But no one even plays pogs anymore, mom! His pleas are met with gentle, oblivious humming. He plans on totally running away from home someday to do what he's always dreamed of doing: sniffing glue and buying cigarettes without his mom getting all up on his ass about it. Until then, he's trying to make money at pogging to pay for his clarinet lessons. And he hears that the winner of the tournament gets to make his or her mom to buy a Playboy Magazine for them and she can't get mad at them for it, and he's been wantin' one of those for years. Plus, he's pretty addicted to Beanie Babies, and a little extra cash could never hurt with that habit.

PROFILE ABC123DOREMI

Name: Norman "POGZRFUN87" Wilmington
DOB: 7/21/68
Weapon of Choice: "Little Man," his slammer built of purified uranium-235.
Favorite Pog: Pog that looks like a donut. It's got sprinkles and everything! No hole in the center though. That would disqualify the pog.
Favorite Food: Flour

Background: Norman "PogzRFun87" Wilmington is regarded by some to be the single most dangerous pogger on the market these days. A former special ops leader, Norman left his old life behind to explore the elusive and exotic art of pogs. He left behind a wife, several children, and his dog, Mr. Puffykins. Norman even went so far as to have cybernetic arms installed in place of his weak flesh-ridden ones to increase his "slamming" ability. His ambition in pogs knows no bounds. He has trekked to the farthest bounds of the earth to secure uranium-235 in order to make his highly unstable and frightening "Little Man" slammer, which could result in a massive explosion taking out 20 square miles after every slam. He claims to be "the most powerfullest [sic] poggerator [sic] in da [sic] galaxiverse [sic]!!!1[sic]!!!" He also enjoys sitting by the side of nature trails and murmurring "oil can...oil caaaaan..." at unsuspecting travellers, and then challenging them to a pog match immediately afterwards. He is currently being treated for radiation poisoning, so is not at his strongest level.