Me Want Job! Step 1: The Cover Sheet

Top of the morning, prospective employment seeking person! Yes, you! What is that you say? You already have a job? Well, wouldn't you prefer to explore the exciting world of employment? To sail across the angry seas to make your fortune in the glorious spice trade? Much of the western world has yet to be discovered, so how's about it? Be the Columbus of the world of job-seekers? Sound alright?

YES! Of course it does! But do you have the tools necessary for such a venture? A cover sheet, a resume, a headshot, and some screwdrivers. Philips head. Trust me. Do you have these things? NO! Of course you don't! If you did, you would have risen so high in the employment ladder that I could scarcely hope to see you without some highly powered telescopes.


Here is an example of one of the perfect tools you will need for fixing the leaky pipe of employment:

STEP 1: TAKE COVER! - The Guide to a Perfect Cover Sheet

Think you can say you were the CEO of a Fortune 500 company and still expect to reach that lofty goal of assistant night manager at Arby's? Think again, my fine feathered friend. Without a cover sheet explaining who you are and why the employer should even bother not setting fire to the establishment for the sole purpose of taking away a potential employment spot for you nor hunt down your entire family and ritualistically murder them individually, the employer will surely not hire you. And will probably set fire to the building and then murder your family. Here is the ideal cover sheet:

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FRANKLIN T. AMERICAN

128 N. Patriot St.
Bridgman, MI 41256

Telephone: Dial 0. Ask operator for payphone outside the Speedway. I’m usually there, but if someone else answers, ask for “the hobo.”

February 30, 2004

Mr. Giles – Dir. Of Human Resources
McDonald’s Corporation
999 McDelicious McAvenue
McAnytown, IL 98131

Dear Mr. Giles:

I am a prospective employment prospect employee. My name is Franklin. My favorite color is light teal. Enclosed you will find my resume, a headshot, and a map that will lead you to buried treasure (my little gift to you!). I am responding to the statement my friend Brad made about the McDonald’s needing a new drive-thru lane employee. I can do this.

I am an American who loves America, do not listen to what Brad says. I have over 32 years of experience eating your food products, so I feel I would be the natural choice in spreading the love of a good old fashioned McWhopper to Mr. and Mrs. Average Joe American. I have good hearing and speaking skills, so the drive-thru job would be a cinch. I promise not to eat too many of the products or stab the customers as much as in my previous job. It really wouldn’t even be possible to stab anyone in the drive-thru lane anyhow!

I also have very good customer service skills. Or should I say skillz. I am one with today’s youth culture, and am comfortable using their language and their style. When McDonald’s changed their slogan to “I’m Lovin’ It!” I knew that I would have to join the company, much like Aldo Burrows on Prison Break. The slogan indicates to me that you too are acutely aware of today’s youth culture, and I think together we would make an unstoppable team, destroying everything in our wake.

May I arrange an interview to further discuss my many qualifications and my theories on aliens? I am available between the hours of 4:30 PM and 4:46 PM on Tuesdays and Sundays. Meet me in the women’s bathroom at the Speedway this Monday at 4:35. Tell no one.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Jobbily,

Job Seeker (that’s me)

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